The Butterfly and the Bear

The List

For whatever reason growing up food was always a big deal in my house.  Before you say "Well, wasn't in most homes?"  It was a little bit of an obsession for us.  My sister once literally O.D.'d on Flintstone vitamins.  Those little guys were delish!  I would've beat her to it had I not had visions of my five year old self being carted off to the hospital in an ambulance to have my stomach pumped free of all those tiny Fred's and Barney's.  My Mother was an advocate of eating healthy, therefore, sweets were only around for holidays and special occasions (She would mix Honey Nut Cheerios with plain Cheerios to "water" them down, ugh!).  It was for this reason I would start planning my birthday menu 11 and a half months out.  My sisters and I mastered the art of emptying the contents of an Entemann's box of cookies without ever actually breaking the seal and opening the box.  You merely slipped your little hand along the outer seam and liberated the cookie from a still "unopened" box.  My mother would return home and remove a suspiciously light box from atop the refrigerator only to find one cookie and some crumbs banging around an empty yet inexplicably sealed box.  We never ate the last cookie, honor among thieves I suppose.  We had some sense of decorum! We were wily little hellions when it came to food.   Once my mother went into the pantry and found a block of semisweet bakers chocolate torn from it's wrapper and a chunk gnawed off the side, she feared we may have a mice problem. In actuality my sister had thought she hit the mother load when she spotted what looked like a delectable chunk of chocolate (and it wasn't even Christmas!!) and took a big ole' bite, only to be hit with the bitter taste of this impostor chocolate!  (Have you ever tasted bakers chocolate?  So disappointing)  Much of my childhood was spent obsessing over how to get food, and then how to squirrel it away from my sisters.   Is this why I have struggled with my weight and my relationship with food for all my adult life?  I don't really know.  I do know know that for the last 24 years, every birthday when I blew out my candles, and every New Years Eve, I have had the same wish, the same resolution: to lose weight.  However, as I get older it is no longer about being "hot" or fitting into a certain size, it is about being healthy and feeling good in my skin.  

In our culture food is inherently tied to our memories and our emotions.  Macaroni and cheese?  My Grandmother.  Onion dip and potato chips?  My Aunt Peggy's house.  Beef Wellington? Christmas.  French Toast?  Easter Sunday.  Food is often how we celebrate, how we nurture, it is how as a society we socialize and commemorate milestones.  One can't just "quit" food like drugs or alcohol.  You can't avoid food, you physically need it.  No going cold turkey here.  However, clearly, it is not an issue for everyone.  Many people enjoy food, are total "foodies" but aren't food obsessed.  Part of my journey this year is to not only get to a healthy weight and get in shape, but to develop a healthy relationship with food.  For that reason the number one task on "My List" Is:

1. Lose 65 lbs.

I debated doing some sort of weight tracker on here but truthfully this isn't The Biggest Loser, this isn't going to be a weight loss blog.  And it isn't so much about losing the weight (although I chose that number because it puts me in my healthy BMI range for my height and age) it really is about getting fit and healthy.  And as I said feeling comfortable in my skin.  Because becoming healthy and losing weight has been a focus for me and is a major part of my  journey this year, many of the challenges on my list are tied in to that, but not all of them.  I'll be listing the complete yearlong "list" below and in the coming weeks I am also going to be working on a life list.  You know, all the things I want to do and see and accomplish in this lifetime.  Like I said, I may never complete some of the tasks but the journey will be rewarding.  I am open to recommendations and tips, I love that my cousin Rusty shared her Curves experience and Michelle and Christy gave me some advice and homework assignments, keep 'em coming!  And thank you everyone for all the amazing feedback and encouragement, I am beyond lucky to have suck amazing, supportive and kind people around me!

Ok party people here is the list in it's entirety:

1. LOSE 65 LBS

2. 30 MINUTES OF WALKING 5 DAYS A WEEK

3 LEARN YOGA

4. QUIT COKE (Diet coke, I am beyond addicted) 

5. DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY

6. START AND MAINTAIN A BLOG (YAY!)

7. BECOME MORE TECH SAAVY

8. NURTURE MY RELATIONSHIPS

9. STAND UP FOR MYSELF

10. BEOME FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE

11. RUN A 5K

12. GO TO ITALY

13. APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOLS

14. FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND HOW TO MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING IT. 

15. PARTICIPATE IN THE AVON BREAST CANCER 2 DAY WALK

So there it is.  I have 12 months folks!  As I said in my previous post, I have wanted to do all of the above things (some more challenging than others) for many, many years. Now that I have eliminated a lot of stress from my life by leaving the rat race behind I have the luxury of being able to tackle these challenges with a clear mind and less stress.  Oh and I have my little Terr-Bear to cheer me on!   I rarely verbalized my "list" to anyone.  Now I am submitting these hopes, dreams, desires, and goals into cyberspace and making it known that this is what I want.  Do you have a list?  Don't we all, even if not on a conscious level have our "lists"?  Well, let me know!  Maybe I'll get some ideas and inspiration! 

Mademoiselle Butterfly

Do you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something?  Either that or your Mother has paid off everyone you know to ask you why you haven't started your blog so you finally acquiesce to her demands?  Something like this happened to me over the last few days.  Several people in my life asked me when I was planning on finally starting my blog and today my Mother asked innocently, "Have you thought more about your blog".  Done!  I am powerless to the wishes and whims of the universe!  So, that is my story.  And my ruse for making you read my thoughts on a daily basis.  I'm sticking to it!  If I behave as if I am in no way culpable for the creation of said blog then I can feel less narcissistic.  

A little about me:

I worked in the management level of cosmetics retail for 11 years.  I adore makeup, however, retail could turn Pollyanna and Holly Golightly into the most bitter and hardened miserable shrews.  Long hours, meeting sales goals, standing for hours on end, dealing with customer demands.  Let's just say I've seen the third ring of hell and it looks like a cosmetic sales floor during double discount.  So, I...left.  I am a play by the rules, do the right thing, play it safe, sort of gal so to stick my big toe out, pull it back, and then turn around only to turn back and take a running leap in to the ocean of the unknown was a huge deal and sort of scary.  At first,  then I came up for air I realized what a gift I had been given.  Suddenly I was off the wheel I had been spinning for over 11 years.  For the first time since I had graduated from college I felt like I was staring into the great wide open, and for the first time in a long time I felt hopeful!  

So, you may be asking, what did you decide to do?  Where did you go?  What did you learn?  Weeeeeelllll, that is what I am in the midst of figuring out.  I left my job, left my apartment, left the rat race and moved in with my sister and brother-in-law, just as my sister who had given birth to my nephew 3 months prior was about to return to work after maternity leave.  I was going to take care of my little 3 month old nephew for 10 to 11 hours a day while my sister was at work.  In addition I was going to plot my next move.  Did I want to go back to school and get my masters?  Become a teacher? Become a full time freelance makeup artist, a dog walker, a writer, a party planner, a beach bum, a hobo???  So this is the journey. I am spending my days with Terr-Bear, who over the last 6 months I have been caring for him has become the love of my life, and I am attempting to re-make myself.  Learn to like myself, lose weight, get healthy and figure out the next major step.  I am the proverbial "butterfly" referenced in the title of the blog and the bear is the adorable little Terrance, now 10 months old, who we all lovingly refer to as Terr-Bear Extraordinaire.  

This is my first post!  How exciting!  Right? I know, I know, everyone blogs, bloggity blog blog blog, ugh.  However, I want to do this, I think the journey is going to be exciting, and funny, and fun, so I'd like to share it.  Who doesn't want to start over at some point in their lives?  A clean slate?  It is such a rare opportunity.  I always thought I  was too old to let it all go and start fresh, I had to make a certain salary, I had to live in a certain place, drive a certain type of car.  I had to live up to everyone's vision of how my life should be, there were bills to pay, standards to uphold, keep up the status quo!  I let it all fall away.  I never thought I could, I always fantasized about it but never thought it possible, but I jumped and never looked back.  And my family and friends, the ones I thought would be horrified, would decry my breaking from convention, they all were relieved and supportive.  No one, not one person said "what the hell are you thinking?!"  In fact the most common response is envy.  Now my "job" is to make this time count and enjoy the gift I have been given.  At the other side I want to come out with a better understanding of who I am, where my passion lies, and what will fulfill me.  Along the way I am reworking my body, losing weight, getting physically fit and getting back a little of the old chutzpah I seemed to have lost along the way, all the while chilling with the most amazing, hilarious, brilliant, beautiful little man. (I may be a little biased)  And you are here to keep me honest, focused, and accountable and also as my wingman.  So come on!  Come along for the ride!