The Butterfly and the Bear

Blind Faith

Like most of the world I feel complete horror, helplessness and empathy  for the millions affected and suffering through what has happened in Japan.  Additionally, over the last few days of being glued to the television and compulsively checking CNN.com, I am also becoming uncomfortable with the unanswered questions that are swirling around in my head.  I’m uneasy with the idea that a benevolent God would allow such suffering.  The God I grew up praying to and know and love is kind, is all loving and giving, therefore I am struggling to reconcile what is happening in Japan with my idea of God.

I feel rather schizophrenic, like I am two persons inhabiting one brain right now.  It is as if my id, ego and superego are in constant argument in my head.  There is the  “adult” me and the “child” me.  The child in me keeps asking the adult in me the difficult questions like, “But, why if God created the earth would he make it so imperfect?  Why do natural disasters occur then?  Why so much suffering?  Why must earthquakes (terrible and destructive in their own right) also then cause tsunami's?  And while we're at it, why does cancer exist?”  The adult in me has no answers and naturally gets frustrated by the endless stream of unanswerable questions, so I just shush myself and turn off the news and attempt to distract my childish self.   “Oh, look here, Keeping up with the Kardashians is on, that’s much better than CNN!”.  

I guess I want concrete answers.  I want someone to blame.  As juvenile and simpleminded as it may seem, I want to know who the “bad guys” are in this scenario.  Hitler= bad guy, Genghis Khan=bad guy, Pol Pot=bad guy.  When a bad guy causes human suffering, behind the fear there is still the sense that we can stop it, we can control it, if we take certain measures and precautions we can avoid evil and suffering.  But how can we avoid an earthquake followed then by a tsunami?  I want to know what to do, where to go, how to live in such a way that I can insure the safety of those I love.  Isn’t that what we all want?  So how do we explain what happened in Japan?  Or in Chile last year?  Or Haiti?  This list goes on.  How and why do these horrific disasters happen when we have an all loving and all powerful God?  I suppose this is where the term blind faith comes from?  I am blessed to have a strong faith.  Despite all these puerile questions floating through my head at the moment, it is my faith and prayer that keeps me sane and hopeful.  

I went to church today and felt so conflicted, I wanted the priest to address the congregation and say something about what is going on in Japan.  I guess I wanted him to give us answers.  He knows God better than I do, surely he has some inside answers!  As inane as it sounds I suppose I secretly wished the priest would announce from the pulpit that he had just spoken to God that morning and had obtained answers as to why such horror and tragedy exist in our world.   Instead we prayed for the victims when we prayed for our petitions.  I wanted more, which of course is unfair, the priest is only human, he doesn’t have a direct line to God, but I just wanted some reassurance I guess.  Again I felt like a petulant child.  I vacillated between anger and confusion.  I wanted to be angry but then felt enormous guilt when the priest reminded us to thank God for all our blessings.  How can I be angry?  I have so much, so many blessings.  So then I was struck with that terrible mix of guilt and anger.  Even as I write this I am thinking to myself, “What are you hoping to accomplish with this?  You are no expert on faith, or natural disasters, what are you doing?”  I lack the eloquence and understanding to properly convey the sadness and grief I and so many are feeling right now for the people of Japan.  I guess I am just putting my thoughts, fears and love out into the universe and hoping that somehow my prayers, my empathy and my intentions help the people who are suffering right now in Japan.  That those who have lost a loved one are not alone in their sorrow, that the medics and rescue teams somehow have the strength to continue on despite what must be physically and emotionally exhausting circumstances, that more survivors are found and brought to safety, that the people of Japan can feel love and compassion from the rest of the world.  That blind faith and prayers are enough because right now it’s all I seem to have.  Love, prayers and blessings to the people of Japan and to those suffering all around the world. 

If you’d like to help:

The American Red Cross

Unicef

A Cold Hard Look

Since it has been over 3 months since I embarked on this blog and my journey of transition I figured  I would do a sort of self assessment, evaluate where I am in terms of achieving my year long goals. Time to take a cold hard look on how I am doing.  Yikes!

LOSE 65 LBS

For the first time in a long time I have been totally focused on what I am putting in my body and getting healthy.  It is no coincidence that losing weight is number one on my list, it has been my primary focus every day for the last three months.  My weight and the issues that accompany it has been a major obstacle for me for a large part of my life.  Overcoming this major hurdle, I feel, is key to facing head on all of the other challenges and goals on both my year list and life list.  If you aren’t healthy how in the world can you ever realistically run a 5K?  Or raise $2000 and walk 39 miles for the fight against Breast Cancer?  And truly, I need to look good if I ever expect to woo Bono away from his wife, right?!  I kid, I kid, but seriously, thanks to the support of my parents and my amazing family and friends I have been able to stay positive and energized about losing weight.  3 months in and I am down over 30 lbs, so for this goal I am totally on track to succeed! 

30 MINUTES OF WALKING 5 DAYS A WEEK

Since I started taking care of Terr-bear we have, weather permitting, always aimed to walk for a minimum of 30 minutes a day.  We have since upped our walks to an hour and weekends I am walking in Waveny park, my new favorite spot in New Canaan to train for my Avon Walk.  As a result walking is officially my favorite way to clear my mind and get my butt moving. 

LEARN YOGA

I had been doing 9 simple yoga poses daily either while Terrance crawled around me or while he was napping, however, on vacation, not so much.  Apparently vacation is my kryptonite.  I restarted my poses on Tuesday.  Writing all this down and making myself accountable is helping me to see a pattern, I clearly am the sort of person who thrives when I have a schedule to adhere to.

QUIT COKE (Diet coke, I am beyond addicted) 

I have to be completely honest, I may be more addicted now to the bubbly stuff than I was before.  This goal I have put on the back burner, I fully intend to quit the sweet nectar of the gods by May and well within my one year mark.  However, for the meantime it is one of my few “treats”.  My sister saw me guzzling a nice cold can of the poison a few weeks ago and exclaimed, “Woah!  You are supposed to be quitting!”  To which I replied in my best exorcist voice, “LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!!!”  Which isn’t entirely true, I’m not hungry at all, but after eliminating most carbs and sugar based products, I need my D.C!  No bread has passed my lips, no ice cream has grazed my tongue, no chocolate has melted in my mouth in over 3 months, so I am allowing myself this one indulgence, for now.  

DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY

Done!  I actually am averaging a minimum of 90 ounces of water a day.  I know studies have emerged saying we may not need the 8 glasses of water a day previously prescribed.  I disagree, as someone who has worked in the beauty industry for over 11 years, I can honestly say water is one of the best and cheapest beauty products out there.  Drink up to half your weight in ounces a day and watch your skin clear up, appear more hydrated, supple, and radiant.  Just don’t drink it all at once, spread it out over an entire day and prepare yourself for frequent bathroom breaks.  It’s worth it.  Yay water! 

START AND MAINTAIN A BLOG (YAY!)

Started, check, maintained, mehhhh.  Back on track though!  And as previously discussed, I had my vacation, now I am back on a schedule and need to blog.  It makes me happy, it gets me writing and keeps me accountable. 

BECOME MORE TECH SAVVY

Ugh.  Technology!  The bane of my existence!  I switched up the layout of the blog last night, it was so frustrating!  I know there is more I can do, I know there are things I should be able to figure out that I can’t. This is an ongoing challenge for me.  

NURTURE MY RELATIONSHIPS

I think (and hope) I have been making a more concerted effort to be there for the people I love and care about.  I am working really hard at being better at maintaining contact through email and phone with my peeps, but this is something I have to almost remind myself daily to do.  “Email them now!  Not later.”  “Call now, don’t get distracted!”  I hate the phone and apparently have the attention span of a gnat, the combination of the two has made for long periods of silence in the past.  I am in the process of rectifying that.  I am also making sure the people in my life know how much I love and appreciate them.  In fact if you are reading this, I love and appreciate you!  Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and for all of the comments and words of encouragement I have received, thank you!!

STAND UP FOR MYSELF

This seems to be easier for me as of late.  It is amazing how making positive changes in your life and knowing you have the support of the people you love and respect makes you feel a little invincible.  I feel stronger and worthy and therefore I don’t feel compelled to let people get away with bad or abusive behavior. 

BECOME FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE

Sigh.  This is slowly falling into place.   Right now I am focused on setting aside money for when unexpected expenses pop up.  I am proud of the fact that I don’t frivolously spend my money, when I get an email about a sale or major discount at one of my favorite stores, I don’t even open it.  I haven’t shopped for myself in months.  Every purchase is recorded.  However, this goal is still a work in progress for me.

RUN A 5K

You have to walk before you run, right?  I am prepping for my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, after completing that my focus will turn to getting my body conditioned to run and eventually (before the end of May 2011!) participate in a 5K.

GO TO ITALY

The planning has commenced!  All that remains is picking up extra hours selling makeup to the pretty ladies to save up the funds, after setting aside money for unexpected expenses and having a little cushion in savings.  The air miles are set aside, now the fun part begins, planning and daydreaming of all the places to see!  Spring of 2011 Ciao Italia!!

APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOLS

I haven’t begun to crack this case.  I am totally overwhelmed by the process and keep putting it off. People apply to grad schools all the time, people coordinate and get loans, write essays, get their letters of recommendation, they do it all and make it happen.  My sister Sheila did it, my friend Bunny just did it, I can do it but I need to put my fear and anxiety aside.

FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND HOW TO MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING IT. 

I’m still figuring this out. I am passionate about Terr-bear!  I love writing, even if it is a major source of anxiety for me.  “Does this sound idiotic?”  “Is my vocabulary frighteningly limited?”  “Does this sound like a baboon wrote it?”  “Does anyone really care to read what I think?!”  Despite all those nasty little thoughts, I love writing and I adore all the funny, kind, and supportive feedback I’ve gotten.  What I need to figure out is which of these favorite activities will eventually pave the way for me to have a career I love. 

RAISE $1800 AND WALK 39 MILES FOR THE AVON WALK FOR BREAST CANCER

This goal has elicited such a conflicting combination of emotions from me and like my goal of losing weight, it is something that is in the forefront of my mind almost every minute of the day.  I am excited at the challenge of walking farther than I have ever attempted to and for such an amazing cause.  I am nervous and yet intrigued about camping overnight.  I’m looking forward to meeting and connecting with all my fellow walkers, and I am elated to be sharing in this experience with my best friend and sister Robin.  I’m touched and grateful for all the generous donations and messages of support I have received from family and friends, and I am so humbled by their generosity. Yet I am totally freaked out that I won’t raise the funds needed.  In order to be able to actually walk you must have raised a minimum of $1800, I am about halfway there with 5 weeks to go.  My sister is about a quarter of the way there.  My daily mantra has become “You will raise the money, YOU WILL RAISE THE MONEY!!”  To achieve this goal I actually need the help and support of anyone reading this.  Every dollar counts, no donation is “small”, please if you can, consider donating to my walk!  Thank you so much to all of you who have donated, I can’t begin to express my gratitude to you!  

So while I work on achieving goals 1-15 and continue prepping for my two days and 39 miles of walking, would you please click on the link below and donate!  Thank you!

If you would like to donate please visit my donation page here.  And because we are both walking and soliciting support from some of the same circle of family and friends, if you would like to split your donation between my sister and myself please visit my sister Robin's page here.

The Life List

I am finally getting around to posting my life list.  It was my year long list that had started me on this whole journey and I am loving how open, enthusiastic and hopeful setting out to achieve my goals in the next 11 months has made me feel.  I recommend everyone do a list.  Do a few!  A month list, a year list, a life list.  I fell like for the first time in years I have goals, a purpose and am joyful in the process.  So, here as a refresher is the year list:

Year List:

1. LOSE 65 LBS

2. 30 MINUTES OF WALKING 5 DAYS A WEEK

3 LEARN YOGA

4. QUIT COKE (Diet coke, I am beyond addicted) 

5. DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY

6. START AND MAINTAIN A BLOG (YAY!)

7. BECOME MORE TECH SAAVY

8. NURTURE MY RELATIONSHIPS

9. STAND UP FOR MYSELF

10. BECOME FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE

11. RUN A 5K

12. GO TO ITALY

13. APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOLS

14. FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND HOW TO MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING IT. 

And now the beginning of my life list.  Obviously it will be a work in progress.  And please, if you are reading this and have any suggestions or experiences you wish to share, please do!  I love everyone's comments, they make my day and they are often hysterical. Without gushing too much I have to say thank you again for all the love and support I receive on a daily basis from my family and friends.  I was telling my sister Robin how terrible I felt that I would often read peoples blogs and never comment. I would love what I was reading, would even relate to what the author was saying but would get distracted or talk myself out of leaving a comment.  I am so sorry I did that and am so blessed that so many of you reading my blog do not do the same thing!  The comments, encouragement and witty feedback make me laugh and sometimes even make me tear up a bit. Knowing that we all in general feel the same and share similar life experiences makes the journey less lonely and has made me feel connected to everyone reading.  I have the most loving and wonderful friends (new and old, and old who are new again) and family.  Thank you so much. I'd also love to hear what is on your list.  Perhaps it will make it's way onto mine?  Or vice versa!  

Life LIst:

1. Be a Mother

2. Go to Paris with someone I love

3. Go to South Africa

4. See the Grand Canyon

5. See U2 live and be in the first 3 rows

6. Meet Bono (preferably have a drink with him)

7. Take a hot air balloon ride

8. Learn to garden

9. Own a home

10. Make said home warm and welcoming

11. Parasail

12. Camp out (glamping) at least one night

13. Write a book

14. Become active in a charity (not just donate, volunteer) 

15. Visit Hawaii

16. Throw a masquerade ball (That's for you Missy!)

17. Have a good amount of money in savings

18. See the pyramids (in Egypt)

19. Stay at the Ice Hotel

20. Swim with Dolphins (That ones for you Michelle!)

21. Horseback ride in Montana

22. Hike through Zion Narrows in Utah

23. Fall in Love

24. Visit Canada

25. Act again

26. Skinny dip in the Ocean

27. Own a house on the Cape (or Branford)

28. Be the type of person who exercises 5 days a week

29. Eat green and healthy ALL the time

30. Play tennis (well) again

31. Meet Al Roker (Bonus if he interviews me)

32. Go to an opulent, black tie New Years Eve ball and wear a gown worthy of the Oscars red carpet.  At Midnight kiss a dashing gentleman. 

33. Vacation and gamble recklessly in Monte Carlo

34. Achieve acceptance of my body

35. Go to the Opera

36. Stay for a week on a yacht in the Caribbean and start each day with a swim.

37. Learn to ski 

38. Fly first class to Hong Kong

39. Learn to play (and remember) cards like a shark

40. Visit Lourdes (France, not Madonna's daughter)

41. Decide on a friday to jet off somewhere exotic for the weekend.  Call in sick Monday. 

42. Re-read all the books I read (or was supposed to read) as an English Major

43. Drive down the Pacific Coast Highway in a convertible.  

44. Make wine by smashing grapes with my feet.  In Italy, France,  or California wine country.

45. Have front row seats for The Killers (Again) 

46. Reacquaint myself with the French language enough so I can get around Paris with ease when I go there with my someone I love. 

47. Go on an aid mission with my church 

So that's it, for now at least.  More to come I'm sure.  This morning when I was reading some of my list to my nephew Kyle he asked me if everything on the list would end in ...”with Bono” as in, “Skinny dip in the ocean...with Bono.” or, “Visit Hawaii...with Bono!”  I mean, don’t get me wrong, if I could do all those things with Bono then major bonus, however I’m not so sure how his wife and kids would feel about it. (Sigh) Oh well, it will all still be fun without him.  

Dirty Little Secret

As a single, childless woman in my thirties, clearly I’ve had to change my idea of what a "traditional" lifestyle is.  I always imagined, in fact assumed, I’d be married and have at least one child by now.  I was the kid who had her wedding planned by the age of 7, had her kids names picked out and knew, just knew that I would be married by at least 24, maybe I’d wait until 25.  In my early 20’s I changed my perception and was not in a rush to get married, even though almost all my friends surprisingly were married within a few years of graduating college.  I liked my independence, I wanted to meet someone who I felt like I could actually spend my life with and not settle, I enjoyed the possibilities ahead of me.  Here I am ten years later feeling a little bit shell shocked.  I sometimes feel like I was waiting at the bus stop along with everyone else, the bus came, everyone got on and I was too absorbed in my book and lo and behold, it left without me!

I just read a quote the other day that struck a chord with me,”The days are long but the years are short”.  Time just has a way of sneaking up on us.  And as my parents often remind me, it only gets more frenetic.  Remember when you were little the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  An eternity.  Now a whole season passes and I can’t remember where it went.  There was always time “down the road” to get married, to get in shape, to have children, to do all of the things on my list.  However in the last few years I've started to feel anxious, like daylight is wasting.  Since leaving my job and blogging my list that sense of anxiety has thankfully lessened now that I am making my goals a focus and a priority after putting them on the back burner for way too long.  As I wrote in a previous post I have finally let go of regret, regret over the time that’s passed and the things I haven’t accomplished.  However, recently I have realized I haven’t let go of self pity and envy, regrets nasty little friends.  When I hear someone is pregnant or just had a baby, my usual reaction is happiness for them.  However, recently when I see on facebook or hear through the grapevine that women I knew back in the day who were, how shall I say this, promiscuous, hard partiers, loose canons?  When I hear they are pregnant or have had a child I will admit it, I am jealous and slightly annoyed.  “She was a tramp/drunk/lunatic!”  I’ll think to myself.  "She’s someones Mother now and you STILL aren’t".  Nasty thoughts.  Stinkin’ thinkin’ as my sister would say.  I remember a few years back my friend Missy and I were at a Yankees game gossiping about a friend of ours who was a little wild and who we had lost touch with and Missy wondered if she had children yet and I, incredulous, said, “She was a total crazy whore, I don’t think so.”  To which Missy replied, “Well, whores can be Mom’s too.”  Looking back my naivete and Missy’s response to it makes me chuckle (and at the time it made me look at all my childhood friends mothers in a different light) however, she had a valid point.  Theoretically anyone can be a mother.  It hasn't happened for me yet, but is it really productive for me to feel envious and resentful about other people’s happiness? Of course I know it’s not productive, logically I can talk myself out of it, but truthfully, I am a little resentful and envious.  How can I reconcile the fact that I fancy myself a kind, generous person (or at least I am striving to be) and yet I feel bitterness at others good fortune?  

So, (SIGH), I have to work on this.  I am genuinely thrilled with the fact that I no longer allow myself to indulge in regretful thoughts or wallow in the the what-if’s, however, I can’t accommodate self pity and resentment  either.  It actually isn’t as hard to let go of regret as I thought it would be, especially when I am actively improving upon myself and pursuing things I am passionate about.  Now, self pity and envy, those two shameful bastards are not only difficult to admit to, but hard to shake as well. It felt good to let go of regret, it lifted off me and I let go of a huge weight I’d been carrying around for years.  Self-pity and envy feel like those friends you have that you know are a bad influence on you, but every once and a while it feels good to go down to their level and get a little dirty.  So, while letting go of these two emotions is not on my list, it is a focus and it is part of the process.  I had a lot of hesitation about even writing this post.  It’s not cute to be envious, self pity and jealousy aren’t pretty and they certainly aren’t characteristics I’d like to broadcast to everyone I know.  However, If you want to let in the good, you have to force out the bad. So envy and self pity I'm calling you out, you are no longer my dirty little secret, you get the hell out of here and go join that ratfink regret.  Ha!

I Swear I'm Not A Hippie

Yesterday while my little bear napped I was on CNN.com and on one side was the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and on the other side was a picture of the sink hole in Guatemala.  I couldn’t even bring myself to check in with the live feed showing the oil gushing into the ocean.  It is beyond me how this has been going on for as long as it has and that there were no back up provisional plans in place.  So instead I stare at a picture of the sink hole.  My initial thought was, “That’s not a real picture.  I’m not seeing it right.”  How does that happen?  Do I even want to know how that happens?  Suddenly I was feeling borderline hysterical thinking, "Nowhere is safe!  We are ruining our planet!  Where will our children live?  What sort of life will they have?".  

My hysteria led me to wistfully recalling my childhood and simpler times.  Life was so much easier back then.  The birth of MTV (when they played music) Brit Pop, rubber bracelets,  Atari, Cabbage Patch Kids, fingerless gloves.  We rode our bikes around the neighborhood until our mother’s called us in for dinner, we played outside and built little hiding places in trees and bushes.  My imaginary boyfriend was John Taylor or Simon LeBon, depending on my mood. Sitting on the front porch listening for the magical sound of the Good Humor truck.  At night we played ghost in the graveyard while our parents laughed with each other and reminisced and talked about grownup stuff.  Life was so simple, so much easier.  Right? Then I recalled what an anxious child I was.  Which led me to recalling the Cold War.  I remember some nights going to bed praying the Russians wouldn’t “nuke” us.  I’m not sure I understood what Russians or Nuke were, but I knew to be afraid of them.  I remember AIDS and how misinformation about it spread, and with it came the fear that you could catch it anywhere, the water fountain, holding hands.  I remember one of my fathers coworkers being held hostage at a factory in Manila and suddenly becoming aware that adults could be “kidnapped” too, and that thought frightened me.  If adults couldn’t protect us, who would?  Who was driving this train anyway?  

That very same sentiment often creeps up on me in adulthood.  I am a supposed “grownup” now and I will often ask myself, “Who the hell is in charge here?”.  I will often wonder if perhaps I didn’t have an idealized, naive or even juvenile expectation of what it means to be an adult.  I guess I expected that unlike in the school yard we would treat one another with respect and not bully each other.  That not unlike in the classroom, if we got out of hand there would be people in positions of power and authority to set us right and to punish those who had done us wrong.   Over the last decade my idealism has turned to fear, then anger, now I am slowly reaching the point of disbelief.  Politicians bickering like children, cheating, lying or all of the above.  "Real Housewives" bullying one another on television, people being rewarded for being amoral and self serving (I'm looking at you Paris and Lindsey), corporations cheating the public and not being held accountable. Will someone please do something already?!  In the case of the oil spill I want to rage against the heads of BP, I want to rage against Halliburton, I want to rage against our government for not making safety valves on these sort of rigs mandatory.  However, when it comes to something like a sink hole in South America, or a natural disaster (as opposed to our lovely man made disaster in the Gulf) well, that is when I get really freaked out.  I have no one to rail against.  No large corporation to boycott, no big business to condemn.  To be frank and speak plainly, this sort of disaster  scares the crap out of me.  I want to blame someone!  I want to feel like someone’s error, misjudgment, greed, ANYTHING caused this.  I want a reason and I want assurance it won’t happen where I live.  Right?  Nothing like that would ever happen here, right? RIGHT?!!  

That’s when I have to realize there are things I can control, the oil spill is not one of them.  Sink holes, earthquakes, natural disasters are also not within in my control.  What I can control is my reaction to fear and despair and the world I have created for myself and the people in it.  I can chose not to indulge in negativity.  I can respect, love and nurture the people I care about.  I can help make their lives happier, simpler, and support them emotionally.  I can respect, love and nurture myself by not poisoning my body with toxic food and allowing myself to be sedentary.  I can pray, meditate and focus on being a positive influence on my niece and nephews lives and put out as much kindness and hope as possible.  This I can do.  That and not get gas at BP.  

I just started following Marianne Williamson on Facebook and Twitter and she tweeted this thought regarding the oil spill earlier: 

“Remember: spend a minimum of five minutes each day with your eyes closed, seeing loving thoughts plugging that hole in the ocean. Pray for its repair.”  

Even if you aren’t religious per se, however you pray, whatever higher power you believe in, I think this is an amazing and hugely powerful idea. Just sit, focus, send kindness and love to the people affected and send energy and perseverance to those working for a resolution. 

Hey Sister, Soul Sister

Sisters are such a remarkable thing.  They are very different from friends, friends we may at times have to explain ourselves to.   Sisters know our history, they shared it.  Very little explanation is needed, even if they don’t necessarily share our hang-ups, they understand where they came from and why we have them.  What I find so extraordinary about my sisters and myself is that we can all at once be so similar and yet so completely different.  I am blessed that as adults, my sisters and I are all very close, they are my four closest friends.  It wasn’t always so, as children we had our issues and of course when my mother once said to me, “One day you will be best friends.”  I thought she was out of her mind.  And while we may not always see eye to eye and we may differ in many ways, my sisters are a huge part of my adult life.  So much so that when I am unable to make plans with my dear friend Bunny due to a previous engagement she will often say, “Let me guess, it is one of the sisters birthday’s??” 

My sister Robin and I never really had a traditional sister relationship, we rarely bickered, there was never any competition, perhaps that's because Robin was five years older and she set the tone from a very young age.  She always looked out for me and babied me.  When I was young I would sneak up to Robin’s room at night and would play doll house until way past my bedtime.  Her room was paradise.  It was all light pink and rose, she had beautiful wood furniture and a brass head board and a huge doll house.  She also would vacuum and dust it on an almost daily basis so it was immaculate.  She was 10 by the way.  It was one of my favorite places in the world. Her doll house “family” were these miserable looking uptight victorian figurines, we used to make them yell and curse at each other. (I’m sure a psychologist could have a field day with that bit of information.) To this day I smile when I picture Robin making the prim and proper “mom” yell, “Fuck this shit fuckers!” while she slid down the banister of the doll house stairs.  Sometimes Robin would be so hilarious I would laugh a little too hard for my five year old bladder and wet her carpet.  I would dissolve into frantic giggles and she’d say, “Mandy DO NOT WET MY CARPET!”  and then I’d abruptly stop giggling.  “Sorry Robin.” For someone who kept their room immaculate she never really got angry at me, instead she’d get some club soda and clean it up.  I’m serious, she was 10.  

Despite the fact that I was a shy and sometimes meek child, Robin always taught me to stand up for myself, because she liked having me around I was confident in our friendship regardless of our 5 year age difference.  I remember one time Robin left the room and her psycho little friend turned to me and said, “Why do you follow Robin around?  We don’t want you here!”  to which I replied honestly, “Yes she does, she loves me!  And when you go home we make fun of you and laugh at you!”  That shut her up.  And I believed it, I never felt like she didn’t have room for me in her life or that my presence was an annoyance. I was confident that she didn't just tolerate her little sister shadowing her, but that she actually liked having me around.  When I had a huge interview and was freaking out because I had no real “interview” clothes, it was Robin who gave me the money to buy a proper suit. Lest anyone reading this should think my other sisters don't play as important a role in my life, know that all my sisters have been there for me throughout my life and continue to be.  When I was going through a hard time my sophomore year of college my sister Shelia drove the three hours to take me out to dinner and cheer me up.  When I lived in London and was as poor as a church mouse it was my sister Claire who sent me a check and a note telling me to take care of myself and eat well.  Even though she is seven years younger than me my sister Jamie has always looked out for me and listened to me when I cried over some heartbreak or upset in my life.  I am so blessed to be able to go through life knowing that no matter what happens, no matter what life throws my way I have a support system in place.  

 Perhaps because I grew up with sisters I always forged strong relationship with my female friends, and I am blessed to have accumulated several more “sisters” over the years.  Whenever I meet a woman who either doesn’t trust women or who says she doesn’t have any female friends I feel disheartened for them.  For me my “sisters” have carried me through some of my most difficult times, applauded me when I have had success, and laughed with me through it all.  I always love hearing stories about sisters, I adore movies that examine the sister relationship and bond such as Sense and Sensibility and LIttle Women, and I am always annoyed when I feel like sisters are portrayed in an implausible manner, either in books or movies.  I went to college with the Packuska sisters, Katie and Lynn (of the candy corn fame) and I loved how they nurtured and supported one another, there was no competition between them even though they were in the same college and so close in age.  For me when I have good news the first people I want to call are my sisters, when something has upset me or I’m feeling scared the first call I make, again, is to one of my sisters.  And while they are there always cheering me on and building me up, try being pretentious or foolish in front of your sister, she will be the first person to call you out.  Sisters are natural equalizers, they won't let you look stupid, but if you do they will inevitably tease you for it.  They keep you humble and remind you that while they think you're amazing, you shouldn't let it go to your head.  With sisters you don't have to be polite and exchange niceties, you can immediately slip into the comfortable and familiar. I’m not yet married but I know that the man I settle down with will have to be comfortable with the fact that I am kind of a package deal, you love me, you love my sisters (and you are ok with them being around. A lot.)  It’s like I have a built in gang.  And trust me, you don’t want to mess with a woman and her sisters, they will take you down!   In writing my list so many people have come out and supported and encouraged me, so today I want to thank all my sisters, blood and otherwise for being part of my gang and always having my back. 

(Un) Lucky Number 7

 Maybe it’s just me, but, have you ever gone on Facebook and someone has amazing pics of their vacation to an exotic locale posted, someone else has adorable pictures of their new baby, and yet another person has an update about the amazing box seats they secured at the yankee game, and you think, “What am I doing with my life?? I am one pathetic loser!”  Social media has this dichotomous way of all at once connecting and alienating us.   Since starting my blog I have been so excited every morning to go onto Facebook because friends and acquaintances have been giving me amazing, loving and supportive feedback for my posts, this is when it is clear to me how brilliant and positive social websites can be.  If I didn’t have a Facebook profile, I couldn’t post a link to my blog and share it with people I care about, and I wouldn’t wake up in the morning to such lovely feedback.  I have friends in far flung places, who will attest I’m sure, that I am terrible at staying in touch.  I hate the phone and inexplicably am terrible at email as well.  For us Facebook is a quick and easy “cliff-notes” into each others day to day lives.  We see the status updates, the pictures and we get a sense of each other’s routines.  I love Facebook when it is a link to my friends and loved ones, it can provide humor, heartfelt insight, and a peek into milestones, celebrations and daily occurrences we may otherwise not be privy to.  However, there are other times when it feels like everyone else is living the dream and I am living the mundane reality.  Engagements! Promotions! New babies! Marriages! New homes!  Exotic vacations!!!!  Meanwhile my status reads, "A soda machine accidentally gave me a free diet coke!  Score suckers!" Ugh!

Number  seven on my "List" is to become more tech savvy.  I am at odds with my want and need to become more clued into the web and all it can offer, and my nostalgia for the way things were.  I remember when email was introduced kids!  I mean seriously!  At the time I thought this was the most amazing magical invention ever.  I was studying in London so it was perfect timing, my friend explained it to me (like I was a 5 year old, I might add) and I was incredulous.  “Let me get this straight, you write a paragraph, you enter their weird little name addressything and you hit send??  And they write you back?? In a matter of minutes sometimes?!!!!  AMAZING!”  My college friends back at home loved nothing more than reading and laughing at my drunken emails sent after a few pints at the pub, in which I would vacillate between euphoria and rage and every other word was completely butchered.  Remember when everyone had an AOL account?  I do.  When to connect to the internet you had to use a dial up modem?   I literally remember when I first got on the internet, again I was completely blown away and confounded, “You type ANYTHING into the search engine and information about it comes up?  Anything??”  (I was even more astonished to find there were actually other people out there who also were addicted to Scandinavian pop music.  Here I thought I was all alone in the world!)  By the way it was my Mother who had to show me how to use the internet, I was 19.  Come on!  Why is my Mother more technologically astute than me?  Always!  

 I just started this blog and I’m embarrassed to say that I have no idea how to add to the design, insert a column here, update there, no idea!  My MOTHER started talking about RSS feeds and stumble upon and my response was, “Blink, blink. Hunh??”  When I was about 7 years old my father brought home an early Apple computer for us girls to play with, we were all obsessed with it, he explained to us how to use it, word processor, some simple games, easy enough right?  For everyone else perhaps, but when I sat down to use it I dragged the ENTIRE operating system and threw it in the cute little garbage can in the lower corner of the screen.  Why?  Because I was seven and the garbage looked intriguing.  And, when you threw stuff in it it made a crunching noise!  Imagine my horror and surprise when the screen went blank and a little sad faced computer appeared staring back at me.  End of computer fun-times everyone, Mandy decided to literally throw the computer in the TRASH!!  My sister said it was the first, and probably the last, time she heard our Father say the “F” word.  Clearly the technology and I were not friends from an early age. 

 I want to become more web proficient and I need to if I want this to be an interesting and successful blog.  And I am going to be honest, I do want his to be successful!  I want as many people as possible to read it, share their experiences, share feedback, advice.  Therefore I am embracing social media, I am keeping up with Facebook, I joined Twitter!  (Seems a little self obsessed the whole tweeting thing but the kids say it’s cool)  My next task: tackle number seven on my "List", therefore, I have enlisted the help of my web guru, my MOTHER.  She has agreed to help me get more web proficient and learn all these ins and outs of blogging, tweeting, stumbling, (bumbling in my case) and making me realize there is so much more to the web than ordering clothes and cosmetics.  Who knew?!  Interwebs for Dummies here I come!