The Butterfly and the Bear

Regular Birds

I woke up this morning feeling slightly panicked.  What was I going to write about today??!  I hand’t quit diet coke (it is the sweetest nectar of the gods!  I am powerless!!!) I hand’t run a 5K, clearly I am not yet a web maven or a yogi.  I haven’t done ANYTHING!  Then I danced around the living room with Terr-bear and relaxed. Forget xanax, dancing with a baby while sniffing their lovely little head is perhaps the most calming and soothing remedy around.  I realized I was being way too literal.  My goal going into this was to write 5 days a week, Monday through Friday, make it a priority and make it fun.  One day at a time, right?  I was being far too narrow minded when it came to my expectations, every day isn’t going to be a proclamation or a major revelation.  I am working on achieving my goals, not actually achieving them all in a week. 

I have always been oddly literal.  Especially as a child.  When I was 5 I heard my Mother refer to the “Kiddie Pool” at a hotel we were staying at and for the remainder of the vacation harassed her to please take me to “the cats water”.  In school the combination of me being very literal and also spacey with a tendency to zone in and out of what the teacher was be saying made for some interesting hijinks.  We had a boy who had moved to the U.S. from Australia.  He got up in front of the class and told us about life in Australia, there were aborigines, koala bears running wild!  Vast dusty farmlands, men would hunt wild turkey and boar for their families meals!  It sounded awful to me, I’ll stay in America where we have TV and my Mom buys our food at the grocery store, thank you very much.  I actually felt kind of sorry for him, he must have trouble conforming to the ways of our civilized society! After his presentation he passed out a “traditional" snack from his homeland, one that his Mother often gave him when he came home from school, it was white bread with cake icing and sprinkles.  Hunh?!  I was perplexed. Here I thought he was going to give us some beetroot to gnaw on, but this bread concoction, this was good stuff!  So, when Mrs. Kobe asked if anyone had any questions for him, my hand shot up.  “I don’t understand, if your Dad has to go into the outback to kill your dinner and you live in mud huts, uhm, how does your mother get white bread and icing with sprinkles?”  to which the young Aussie replied, “Are you calling me an animal?!  Like I’m so some sort of aborigine or something?!!”  He looked ENRAGED!  At this point my teacher cut in and gently explained, “Mandy, I think you are confused, he was telling us about Australia in the 1800’s, not modern day Australia." Ohhhhhhhhhh, that made SOOO much more sense!  Apparently I was staring out the window trying to remember the words to Summer Night’s in my head when that portion of the presentation was covered.  

That same year we learned about birds, all the different species and types of lovely birds native to our area.  My Mother and I would often sit in our dinning room looking out the windows and she’d point out different types of birds to me. I loved Cardinals, Blue Jays and of course Red Breasted Robins, so I was PSYCHED for this assignment, I was going to blow Mrs. Kobe’s mind with my bird knowledge. So that afternoon, I go home, pencil and paper in hand and bird watch.  After an hour I was like come on!  Not one Robin, Cardinal, or Blue Jay, BORING.  The next day when I was called upon to report my findings I stood up and said with regret, “Well, my bird watching wasn’t very interesting, they were all regular birds.”  To which my teacher responded, “I’m sorry, regular birds?  I don’t understand.”  To which I matter-of-fact-ly replied, “You know, regular birds, not blue Jays, not Robin’s, just the boring old regular birds.  Nothing special.”  To which she responded, “I believe you mean finches, perhaps?  The little grey birds common around here?”  Sure, whatever, call ‘em what you want, they’re regular compared to the others.  At least in my mind.  Wow.  Was it any wonder that the next year my third grade teacher submitted me for evaluation to the school psychologist, she thought I was mildly autistic.  Awesome.  

I can still be surprisingly insensible and will at times have tunnel vision when it comes to certain tasks.  The other day my sister showed me how to use the diaper genie.  Uhm, I’ve been using it for the last 6 months, or so I thought.  Apparently if you don’t push the diaper past a certain point they all clog up in the top.  So my sister has been coming home from work to a can stopped up with dirty diapers.  FABULOUS.  I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but sometimes I get lost in my own head and don’t see what is obvious to everyone else.  No one is expecting me to achieve my goals overnight (you’re NOT expecting that, right??) I just have to repeat my mantra over and over, “It’s all about the journey, it’s all about the journey.”

But, I did it!  I wrote a post today!  Jumpy claps all around!  However, I will make a small proclamation, I am going to drink 8 glasses of water today.  No iced tea or diet coke, all water.  Quiting diet coke I am saving for the weekend.  I may need to lock myself in a padded room for 48 hours to make that happen.  

(Un) Lucky Number 7

 Maybe it’s just me, but, have you ever gone on Facebook and someone has amazing pics of their vacation to an exotic locale posted, someone else has adorable pictures of their new baby, and yet another person has an update about the amazing box seats they secured at the yankee game, and you think, “What am I doing with my life?? I am one pathetic loser!”  Social media has this dichotomous way of all at once connecting and alienating us.   Since starting my blog I have been so excited every morning to go onto Facebook because friends and acquaintances have been giving me amazing, loving and supportive feedback for my posts, this is when it is clear to me how brilliant and positive social websites can be.  If I didn’t have a Facebook profile, I couldn’t post a link to my blog and share it with people I care about, and I wouldn’t wake up in the morning to such lovely feedback.  I have friends in far flung places, who will attest I’m sure, that I am terrible at staying in touch.  I hate the phone and inexplicably am terrible at email as well.  For us Facebook is a quick and easy “cliff-notes” into each others day to day lives.  We see the status updates, the pictures and we get a sense of each other’s routines.  I love Facebook when it is a link to my friends and loved ones, it can provide humor, heartfelt insight, and a peek into milestones, celebrations and daily occurrences we may otherwise not be privy to.  However, there are other times when it feels like everyone else is living the dream and I am living the mundane reality.  Engagements! Promotions! New babies! Marriages! New homes!  Exotic vacations!!!!  Meanwhile my status reads, "A soda machine accidentally gave me a free diet coke!  Score suckers!" Ugh!

Number  seven on my "List" is to become more tech savvy.  I am at odds with my want and need to become more clued into the web and all it can offer, and my nostalgia for the way things were.  I remember when email was introduced kids!  I mean seriously!  At the time I thought this was the most amazing magical invention ever.  I was studying in London so it was perfect timing, my friend explained it to me (like I was a 5 year old, I might add) and I was incredulous.  “Let me get this straight, you write a paragraph, you enter their weird little name addressything and you hit send??  And they write you back?? In a matter of minutes sometimes?!!!!  AMAZING!”  My college friends back at home loved nothing more than reading and laughing at my drunken emails sent after a few pints at the pub, in which I would vacillate between euphoria and rage and every other word was completely butchered.  Remember when everyone had an AOL account?  I do.  When to connect to the internet you had to use a dial up modem?   I literally remember when I first got on the internet, again I was completely blown away and confounded, “You type ANYTHING into the search engine and information about it comes up?  Anything??”  (I was even more astonished to find there were actually other people out there who also were addicted to Scandinavian pop music.  Here I thought I was all alone in the world!)  By the way it was my Mother who had to show me how to use the internet, I was 19.  Come on!  Why is my Mother more technologically astute than me?  Always!  

 I just started this blog and I’m embarrassed to say that I have no idea how to add to the design, insert a column here, update there, no idea!  My MOTHER started talking about RSS feeds and stumble upon and my response was, “Blink, blink. Hunh??”  When I was about 7 years old my father brought home an early Apple computer for us girls to play with, we were all obsessed with it, he explained to us how to use it, word processor, some simple games, easy enough right?  For everyone else perhaps, but when I sat down to use it I dragged the ENTIRE operating system and threw it in the cute little garbage can in the lower corner of the screen.  Why?  Because I was seven and the garbage looked intriguing.  And, when you threw stuff in it it made a crunching noise!  Imagine my horror and surprise when the screen went blank and a little sad faced computer appeared staring back at me.  End of computer fun-times everyone, Mandy decided to literally throw the computer in the TRASH!!  My sister said it was the first, and probably the last, time she heard our Father say the “F” word.  Clearly the technology and I were not friends from an early age. 

 I want to become more web proficient and I need to if I want this to be an interesting and successful blog.  And I am going to be honest, I do want his to be successful!  I want as many people as possible to read it, share their experiences, share feedback, advice.  Therefore I am embracing social media, I am keeping up with Facebook, I joined Twitter!  (Seems a little self obsessed the whole tweeting thing but the kids say it’s cool)  My next task: tackle number seven on my "List", therefore, I have enlisted the help of my web guru, my MOTHER.  She has agreed to help me get more web proficient and learn all these ins and outs of blogging, tweeting, stumbling, (bumbling in my case) and making me realize there is so much more to the web than ordering clothes and cosmetics.  Who knew?!  Interwebs for Dummies here I come!

The List

For whatever reason growing up food was always a big deal in my house.  Before you say "Well, wasn't in most homes?"  It was a little bit of an obsession for us.  My sister once literally O.D.'d on Flintstone vitamins.  Those little guys were delish!  I would've beat her to it had I not had visions of my five year old self being carted off to the hospital in an ambulance to have my stomach pumped free of all those tiny Fred's and Barney's.  My Mother was an advocate of eating healthy, therefore, sweets were only around for holidays and special occasions (She would mix Honey Nut Cheerios with plain Cheerios to "water" them down, ugh!).  It was for this reason I would start planning my birthday menu 11 and a half months out.  My sisters and I mastered the art of emptying the contents of an Entemann's box of cookies without ever actually breaking the seal and opening the box.  You merely slipped your little hand along the outer seam and liberated the cookie from a still "unopened" box.  My mother would return home and remove a suspiciously light box from atop the refrigerator only to find one cookie and some crumbs banging around an empty yet inexplicably sealed box.  We never ate the last cookie, honor among thieves I suppose.  We had some sense of decorum! We were wily little hellions when it came to food.   Once my mother went into the pantry and found a block of semisweet bakers chocolate torn from it's wrapper and a chunk gnawed off the side, she feared we may have a mice problem. In actuality my sister had thought she hit the mother load when she spotted what looked like a delectable chunk of chocolate (and it wasn't even Christmas!!) and took a big ole' bite, only to be hit with the bitter taste of this impostor chocolate!  (Have you ever tasted bakers chocolate?  So disappointing)  Much of my childhood was spent obsessing over how to get food, and then how to squirrel it away from my sisters.   Is this why I have struggled with my weight and my relationship with food for all my adult life?  I don't really know.  I do know know that for the last 24 years, every birthday when I blew out my candles, and every New Years Eve, I have had the same wish, the same resolution: to lose weight.  However, as I get older it is no longer about being "hot" or fitting into a certain size, it is about being healthy and feeling good in my skin.  

In our culture food is inherently tied to our memories and our emotions.  Macaroni and cheese?  My Grandmother.  Onion dip and potato chips?  My Aunt Peggy's house.  Beef Wellington? Christmas.  French Toast?  Easter Sunday.  Food is often how we celebrate, how we nurture, it is how as a society we socialize and commemorate milestones.  One can't just "quit" food like drugs or alcohol.  You can't avoid food, you physically need it.  No going cold turkey here.  However, clearly, it is not an issue for everyone.  Many people enjoy food, are total "foodies" but aren't food obsessed.  Part of my journey this year is to not only get to a healthy weight and get in shape, but to develop a healthy relationship with food.  For that reason the number one task on "My List" Is:

1. Lose 65 lbs.

I debated doing some sort of weight tracker on here but truthfully this isn't The Biggest Loser, this isn't going to be a weight loss blog.  And it isn't so much about losing the weight (although I chose that number because it puts me in my healthy BMI range for my height and age) it really is about getting fit and healthy.  And as I said feeling comfortable in my skin.  Because becoming healthy and losing weight has been a focus for me and is a major part of my  journey this year, many of the challenges on my list are tied in to that, but not all of them.  I'll be listing the complete yearlong "list" below and in the coming weeks I am also going to be working on a life list.  You know, all the things I want to do and see and accomplish in this lifetime.  Like I said, I may never complete some of the tasks but the journey will be rewarding.  I am open to recommendations and tips, I love that my cousin Rusty shared her Curves experience and Michelle and Christy gave me some advice and homework assignments, keep 'em coming!  And thank you everyone for all the amazing feedback and encouragement, I am beyond lucky to have suck amazing, supportive and kind people around me!

Ok party people here is the list in it's entirety:

1. LOSE 65 LBS

2. 30 MINUTES OF WALKING 5 DAYS A WEEK

3 LEARN YOGA

4. QUIT COKE (Diet coke, I am beyond addicted) 

5. DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY

6. START AND MAINTAIN A BLOG (YAY!)

7. BECOME MORE TECH SAAVY

8. NURTURE MY RELATIONSHIPS

9. STAND UP FOR MYSELF

10. BEOME FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE

11. RUN A 5K

12. GO TO ITALY

13. APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOLS

14. FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND HOW TO MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING IT. 

15. PARTICIPATE IN THE AVON BREAST CANCER 2 DAY WALK

So there it is.  I have 12 months folks!  As I said in my previous post, I have wanted to do all of the above things (some more challenging than others) for many, many years. Now that I have eliminated a lot of stress from my life by leaving the rat race behind I have the luxury of being able to tackle these challenges with a clear mind and less stress.  Oh and I have my little Terr-Bear to cheer me on!   I rarely verbalized my "list" to anyone.  Now I am submitting these hopes, dreams, desires, and goals into cyberspace and making it known that this is what I want.  Do you have a list?  Don't we all, even if not on a conscious level have our "lists"?  Well, let me know!  Maybe I'll get some ideas and inspiration! 

Flying Under the Radar

This morning when I was driving my sister to the train she said she’d love to read Terr-Bear's blog, his view of life spending his days with me.  I have a feeling the title of his blog would be The Bear and the Blabbermouth.  I have always been a major talker, but stick me with a 10 month old all day and I become even more loquacious.  Is it bad when a baby grunts at you and holds his little hand up to silence you?  I’ve had this happen to me.  At least once a day.  His poor little ears.

Blame it on being the fourth child in a family of five girls.  You try getting a word in edgewise!  It was like trying to merge into traffic flying at 120 miles per hour, you had to be fast and concise or you would bite the dust.  At dinner I would sit with my tongue pressed against my front teeth, having already in my head rehearsed my story several times, I would wait for the briefest of pauses and spit out my news rapid fire, “My-chorus-teacher-gave-me-a-solo-to-sing-at-assembly” BOOM!  Wait for the accolades and your parents awe before they move on to the next.  We all had our ways of functioning within the family dynamic created by so many girls.  My younger sister tended to be rambunctious and would demand your attention through various outrageous hijinks, my older sister always made good grades, we had our rebels, our wise-asses, I ended up becoming known as the one who flew under the radar.  When it was time for bed I would tiptoe up to my sisters room to play dollhouse, at 11:00 when my parents would retire to bed they’d ask each other, “I thought you put Mandy to bed?!”  This technique, at times, served me well in a large family. Like when I received a grant from a college and instead of bragging about it to my family, I let it them hear it when it was announced at my high school graduation. Or when I lost over 50 pounds while studying in London, instead of telling them about my weight loss over the course of the many phone conversations, emails or postcards we exchanged, I waited for them to see me emerge from customs at JFK.  I liked the sneak attack, and if I didn’t verbalize my desires and intentions then no one could disagree or naysay.  And if I didn’t achieve my goals, well , then I was the only one I was really disappointed.  And finally, truth be told, whether it’s because I’m Irish, Catholic, or both, I simply am not comfortable with self-promotion.  I never felt at ease saying, “I want this and I intend to get it.” or “Look at me, aren’t I amazing”  Flying under the radar had served me well in a large family and worked as a way of getting a reaction out of my family, however, at a certain point, flying under the radar is no longer advantageous.

For instance in a job, working hard and keeping your head down doesn’t always work, especially in this day and age when many people are more savvy at promoting their accomplishments then they actually are at accomplishing anything.  I worked with people who while not as hard working or as productive as I was would receive more praise and attention due to the fact that they talked the talk and got themselves noticed.  I was the “reliable” one, I struggled with asking for raises, demanding equal face time, and often seethed internally while others who I felt were less deserving were  recognized.

It also isn’t necessarily healthy in adult relationships.  Keeping your cards close often keeps people at arms length.  If you don’t express your desires and wishes you can’t fault someone else for not being able to decipher them.  This business of not letting anyone else know what I wanted so that I was the only one who was disappointed left me feeling very, well,  disappointed at times.  It is scary to voice your aspirations, because then people will see you stumble and perhaps struggle in your journey to achieve them.  And what if you never achieve them?  Horror!!  But not really, right?  Because if I am able to step outside myself and my insecurities, I can honestly say I’ve never looked at someone who is attempting to achieve a goal whether it be running a marathon, weight loss, starting a business, whatever it may be and thought, “wow, what a chump!”  Even if they don’t achieve their specific goals, they’ve enriched themselves somehow and opened up their lives to new possibilities.  As cliched as it sounds it really is about the journey, nothing ventured, nothing gained!  So what if you never cross the finish line, you still came a long way from the start! 

So, this blog is part of me getting back on the radar.  I’m putting it out there people!  I am working on myself and instead of keeping it to myself I am shouting it into cyberspace.  I feel as if I am standing naked in front of the class, I feel out of my comfort zone, but comfort is the handmaiden of complacency.  So I am flying high (corny, but come on, I had to stick with the whole under the radar schtick) and I am enjoying the ride!  My assignment for the weekend is make my list.  THE LIST.  What I want to accomplish in the next year, from the big to the small, from drinking more water to finding my passion.  This is the start line, there may not be a finish line but I’ll enjoy the journey. 

Mademoiselle Butterfly

Do you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something?  Either that or your Mother has paid off everyone you know to ask you why you haven't started your blog so you finally acquiesce to her demands?  Something like this happened to me over the last few days.  Several people in my life asked me when I was planning on finally starting my blog and today my Mother asked innocently, "Have you thought more about your blog".  Done!  I am powerless to the wishes and whims of the universe!  So, that is my story.  And my ruse for making you read my thoughts on a daily basis.  I'm sticking to it!  If I behave as if I am in no way culpable for the creation of said blog then I can feel less narcissistic.  

A little about me:

I worked in the management level of cosmetics retail for 11 years.  I adore makeup, however, retail could turn Pollyanna and Holly Golightly into the most bitter and hardened miserable shrews.  Long hours, meeting sales goals, standing for hours on end, dealing with customer demands.  Let's just say I've seen the third ring of hell and it looks like a cosmetic sales floor during double discount.  So, I...left.  I am a play by the rules, do the right thing, play it safe, sort of gal so to stick my big toe out, pull it back, and then turn around only to turn back and take a running leap in to the ocean of the unknown was a huge deal and sort of scary.  At first,  then I came up for air I realized what a gift I had been given.  Suddenly I was off the wheel I had been spinning for over 11 years.  For the first time since I had graduated from college I felt like I was staring into the great wide open, and for the first time in a long time I felt hopeful!  

So, you may be asking, what did you decide to do?  Where did you go?  What did you learn?  Weeeeeelllll, that is what I am in the midst of figuring out.  I left my job, left my apartment, left the rat race and moved in with my sister and brother-in-law, just as my sister who had given birth to my nephew 3 months prior was about to return to work after maternity leave.  I was going to take care of my little 3 month old nephew for 10 to 11 hours a day while my sister was at work.  In addition I was going to plot my next move.  Did I want to go back to school and get my masters?  Become a teacher? Become a full time freelance makeup artist, a dog walker, a writer, a party planner, a beach bum, a hobo???  So this is the journey. I am spending my days with Terr-Bear, who over the last 6 months I have been caring for him has become the love of my life, and I am attempting to re-make myself.  Learn to like myself, lose weight, get healthy and figure out the next major step.  I am the proverbial "butterfly" referenced in the title of the blog and the bear is the adorable little Terrance, now 10 months old, who we all lovingly refer to as Terr-Bear Extraordinaire.  

This is my first post!  How exciting!  Right? I know, I know, everyone blogs, bloggity blog blog blog, ugh.  However, I want to do this, I think the journey is going to be exciting, and funny, and fun, so I'd like to share it.  Who doesn't want to start over at some point in their lives?  A clean slate?  It is such a rare opportunity.  I always thought I  was too old to let it all go and start fresh, I had to make a certain salary, I had to live in a certain place, drive a certain type of car.  I had to live up to everyone's vision of how my life should be, there were bills to pay, standards to uphold, keep up the status quo!  I let it all fall away.  I never thought I could, I always fantasized about it but never thought it possible, but I jumped and never looked back.  And my family and friends, the ones I thought would be horrified, would decry my breaking from convention, they all were relieved and supportive.  No one, not one person said "what the hell are you thinking?!"  In fact the most common response is envy.  Now my "job" is to make this time count and enjoy the gift I have been given.  At the other side I want to come out with a better understanding of who I am, where my passion lies, and what will fulfill me.  Along the way I am reworking my body, losing weight, getting physically fit and getting back a little of the old chutzpah I seemed to have lost along the way, all the while chilling with the most amazing, hilarious, brilliant, beautiful little man. (I may be a little biased)  And you are here to keep me honest, focused, and accountable and also as my wingman.  So come on!  Come along for the ride!