Why Are You STILL Single?

In the last few weeks I have been asked repeatedly, "Why are you still single?".  A question which all at once makes me uncomfortable, defensive, renders me speechless and to which I don’t really have a simple answer to.  Lord knows I have repeatedly asked that very same question of myself.  They usually follow up with one of two responses to my stammering and blank stare, “Well , are you putting yourself out there?  Like really looking, it’s a job you know!”  or they hit me with, “You’ll find him when you’re not looking.”  Soooo, you’re telling me it’s like a job that I shouldn’t look for?  Oh, I get it, it’s like winning at slots or roulette!  Right?!!

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that people are surprised I'm single.  Not asking would imply that they know EXACTLY why I am alone and that they have simply decided I am the real life version of the "Cathy" cartoon and eventually I will die alone leaving my 200 cats to fend for themselves.  And it certainly is better than when they tell me why they think I’m single (please, don’t tell me why, I know my shortcomings, I don’t need to hear them said out loud.)  I do know that I am not proficient at the whole “dating/bar scene".  Which is odd given that I genuinely enjoy all of the components that make up a good bar scene: alcohol, music, socializing, and men, all on my list of “likes”!  So it would seem to follow that I would enjoy the “singles” scene.  However, there is an element to it that I greet with a level of derision.  The whole forced banter, the subtle dance of duplicity, showing who you are, but not entirely, projecting who you want them to think you are, playing it cool, and don't even get me started on flirting.   I just find all the stratagem and maneuvering a little exhausting and dare I say boring.  Which I'm sure I project out to everyone and therefore come off a little acerbic and disdainful, and correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think many men are looking for a nice “acerbic and slightly disdainful” young woman.  That’s not to say I don’t have fun, I do, when the conversation is good, when the banter unfolds naturally, when there is a sense of ease and playfulness, I love it.  The scenarios where that happens are rare and few and far between.  More often than not I am left after a night out feeling like everyone else got a rule book and is playing a game that not only do I not fully understand the rules, I kind of don’t want to.  I remember particularly when I was in my late teens and early twenties seeing the complex and strategically thought out maneuverings of girls my age as they set out to ensnare a guy and not only did I find it exhausting, I found it downright  deceitful in some cases.  Like my dear old friend  I earlier referenced in a previous post, she was a master manipulator, in life and in love.  She would go to great lengths to get every man to fall for her.  Why?  Well why not?  I would always ask her, “why ALL of them?”.  For me it was always just the One I wanted, the one who at the time I had a crush on, the one who I had projected all of my Bronte sister and Jane Austen yearnings on, the rest I didn'tt care about, I just wanted the one, I valued quality over quantity.  Maybe I was wrong?  Because she set out to get them all and unbeknownst to me at the time apparently dating and love are not that different from say an open house or a street performance, a crowd draws even more of a crowd, hence, men beget more men, and soon you have your pick o’ the litter.  Age apparently has not made me wiser however, despite knowing this, despite the fact that even though I never felt as if I got “the manual”  I have observed enough to know how the game is played, what it takes, and yet in spite of my desire to meet a wonderful man, to one day settle down, have a family, I simply can’t bring myself to play the “game” as it were. 

I was lucky enough to spend last weekend with some friends from college and their spouses out in PA, we had a fabulous time and as is often the case when we are with people who we’ve known forever, with whom we have a shared history,  old jokes, stories and memories, we all settled into our comfortable roles, truly relaxed in ourselves, laughing, talking and enjoying each others company.  Around 1:00 am after several (okay, 12) hours of drinking we were all laughing so hard we were crying, somehow the night had slipped into silliness.  After pouring my friends husband an apparently too stiff vodka and soda which made his hair stand up on end (an Irishman nonetheless!) our other friend commented in reference to my ability to mix a robust drink, “My Father-in-law would like you” which somehow evolved into an hour long conversation of what would happen if I were indeed to marry her Father-in-law.  It was a hilarious (from what I can remember) circuitous, sometimes irreverent and nonsensical conversation with us all chiming in and imagining how a relationship between Mandy (their sometimes wildly inappropriate college friend in her 30’s) and Pop-Pop (the 63 year old gent, grandfather, and Father to my friends husband) would evolve and unfold.  In a nutshell it was unanimously decided over a toast at 2:00am on July 30th, 2011 that myself and Pop-Pop are getting married in Saratoga NY, July 2012! (So, save the date folks!!) 

All joking aside sometimes I feel like I would do better with a “Pop-Pop” than say the 30-something who is still trying out his pick-up artist moves on a Thursday night in Fairfield county, or the divorced Father of 3 in his mid-forties I met on Match.com who after two weeks of lengthy, fun and interesting emails, the day before our first date, sent me a text message that read like it was a telegram smuggled out from behind enemy lines: “In Russia.  On Business.  Have to reschedule.”  Uhm, ok.  Or the guy who I had a rather mundane first date with, however, I told myself despite the fact that he was quiet and perhaps a bit shy was in fact sweet, gentlemanly and I should just give another chance.  So I gamely agreed to date number two.  A few days before our second date he sends me a casual email recapping his day and where we should meet for dinner which somehow, and inexplicably segues into his “turn-on’s” (No! Just no with that phrase.) and the type of foreplay he enjoys, and then for the kicker he invoked the ghost of John Mayer and says a woman’s body is “a wonderland to be explored and savored.”  NO!  True story folks. (are you marrieds breathing a huge sigh of relief right now that you will never, ever get an email containing the words “foreplay” and “turn-ons”?)  I had to cancel the date and in addition to that wrestled with the moral dilemma of do I email him and enlighten him of the fact that a guy should never, ever, under any circumstances type the words: "foreplay", "turn-ons", and "savor" in an email.  I agonized over the fact that surely if I didn’t set him straight he too would die alone leaving 200 cats to fend for themselves.  Alas, I decided it simply was not my burden to bear and anyway, clearly I am no dating expert. (Sorry humane society.)

My sister thinks I may have too much of an edge, too sharp a  tongue.  Which is probably valid considering I’ve admitted to harboring a bit of disdain for the whole bar/pickup scene.  It doesn’t help that I seem to have impulse control issues and can't suppress whatever pops into my head at any given time.  I mean, am I to understand that when a guy chatting you up asks you to watch his backpack while he goes out for a smoke the “sexy” or “cute” response isn’t, “No problem Dora.”? Sooo, grown men don’t like being compared to a little spanish speaking cartoon girl?  Good to know.  Lesson learned folks!  Clearly I still haven’t figured it out, and who knows if I ever will.  At the very least while I wait to hit it big in the game of love I can rest easy in the knowledge that if all else fails there is always Pop-Pop and Saratoga in 2012 to fall back on.  At least I know I’ll always get along with my stepson and daughter-in-law, can you say JACKPOT?!!!

Comments

[Jamagesty]

This is great and hilarious! xoxo

[Ry Sal]

acerbic and slightly disdainful -- the best qualities a woman can have.

[Eileen McCorry]

One of my favorite Bloggers. So go to read you again.

[Eileen McCorry]

Not "go to" I meant "good to". Anyway great and funny.

[Robin]

Wonderful post, your 'one' is out there, making his way to you.

[Clarie]

Sometimes I wish I was still single. You will meet your mathc one day! and I see nothing wrong with saying exactly what is on your mind. Really a guy asked you to watch his backpack? Was he out of highschool? I think the Dora comment was priceless!!!!!

Love you!!!!!

[how to make quick money]

I like good conversation and the natural unfolds banter which makes sense of ease and playfulness.