Like most of the world I feel complete horror, helplessness and empathy for the millions affected and suffering through what has happened in Japan. Additionally, over the last few days of being glued to the television and compulsively checking CNN.com, I am also becoming uncomfortable with the unanswered questions that are swirling around in my head. I’m uneasy with the idea that a benevolent God would allow such suffering. The God I grew up praying to and know and love is kind, is all loving and giving, therefore I am struggling to reconcile what is happening in Japan with my idea of God.
I feel rather schizophrenic, like I am two persons inhabiting one brain right now. It is as if my id, ego and superego are in constant argument in my head. There is the “adult” me and the “child” me. The child in me keeps asking the adult in me the difficult questions like, “But, why if God created the earth would he make it so imperfect? Why do natural disasters occur then? Why so much suffering? Why must earthquakes (terrible and destructive in their own right) also then cause tsunami's? And while we're at it, why does cancer exist?” The adult in me has no answers and naturally gets frustrated by the endless stream of unanswerable questions, so I just shush myself and turn off the news and attempt to distract my childish self. “Oh, look here, Keeping up with the Kardashians is on, that’s much better than CNN!”.
I guess I want concrete answers. I want someone to blame. As juvenile and simpleminded as it may seem, I want to know who the “bad guys” are in this scenario. Hitler= bad guy, Genghis Khan=bad guy, Pol Pot=bad guy. When a bad guy causes human suffering, behind the fear there is still the sense that we can stop it, we can control it, if we take certain measures and precautions we can avoid evil and suffering. But how can we avoid an earthquake followed then by a tsunami? I want to know what to do, where to go, how to live in such a way that I can insure the safety of those I love. Isn’t that what we all want? So how do we explain what happened in Japan? Or in Chile last year? Or Haiti? This list goes on. How and why do these horrific disasters happen when we have an all loving and all powerful God? I suppose this is where the term blind faith comes from? I am blessed to have a strong faith. Despite all these puerile questions floating through my head at the moment, it is my faith and prayer that keeps me sane and hopeful.
I went to church today and felt so conflicted, I wanted the priest to address the congregation and say something about what is going on in Japan. I guess I wanted him to give us answers. He knows God better than I do, surely he has some inside answers! As inane as it sounds I suppose I secretly wished the priest would announce from the pulpit that he had just spoken to God that morning and had obtained answers as to why such horror and tragedy exist in our world. Instead we prayed for the victims when we prayed for our petitions. I wanted more, which of course is unfair, the priest is only human, he doesn’t have a direct line to God, but I just wanted some reassurance I guess. Again I felt like a petulant child. I vacillated between anger and confusion. I wanted to be angry but then felt enormous guilt when the priest reminded us to thank God for all our blessings. How can I be angry? I have so much, so many blessings. So then I was struck with that terrible mix of guilt and anger. Even as I write this I am thinking to myself, “What are you hoping to accomplish with this? You are no expert on faith, or natural disasters, what are you doing?” I lack the eloquence and understanding to properly convey the sadness and grief I and so many are feeling right now for the people of Japan. I guess I am just putting my thoughts, fears and love out into the universe and hoping that somehow my prayers, my empathy and my intentions help the people who are suffering right now in Japan. That those who have lost a loved one are not alone in their sorrow, that the medics and rescue teams somehow have the strength to continue on despite what must be physically and emotionally exhausting circumstances, that more survivors are found and brought to safety, that the people of Japan can feel love and compassion from the rest of the world. That blind faith and prayers are enough because right now it’s all I seem to have. Love, prayers and blessings to the people of Japan and to those suffering all around the world.
If you’d like to help:
Eloquently put. I had the same conversation with my husband yesterday. I was raised being taught that "personal choices and free will" have cause and effect on things. Now I am stumped. Certainly this is something God could have controlled. I am really struggling with all the same questions you put out there. It does shake your faith doesnt it?
Posted by: natalie tyler | 03/15/2011 at 11:12 AM
Just lost a great friend to cancer. Just can't understand why it even exist. Where did it come from? He was one of the best of best. Why did it have to attack him? He didn't want to have it, but there was nothing he could do.They told him it was inoperable? What do you do when you don't have a choice any more? Is this the way God wants it to be? There are so many dead beat, evil people who get to live without sickness & disease. Why did this wonderful, good person have to be the one? And, if upon leaving this world, we go to such a wonderful, happy place to be with our lord, then why do we all strive so hard to stay alive?
Posted by: Cyndi Cochran | 09/11/2011 at 08:21 PM