The Butterfly and the Bear: The Company You Keep

I am always suspicious of girls who either don't have or want other female friends or who don’t trust women. Always a red flag. Usually it is an indication that they don't play by the rules, they don't obey girl code, and they probably won't have your back. I would know, my best friend from 13 to 26 was one of those girls. She used to laugh about how I was the only girl she could stand. How other girls hated her, were jealous of her, she just connected so much better with men. Unh hunh, sure. She was a quick witted, hilariously funny, bawdy, rebellious, cheating, thieving, compulsive liar. When I was 16 her defiant and ribald nature was funny and exhilarating to me, since I was the opposite; a shy, awkward, strictly brought up catholic school girl. Fast forward to adulthood and her constant dramas involving her cheating on her boyfriends and getting caught, her emotional breakdowns on a near monthly basis and then finally her torrid affair with a married coworker while his wife was at home with their newborn child, and well what seemed dramatic as a teenager had become exhausting, amoral, and ridiculous at 26. I literally had to cut her out of my life. The sheer amount of years we had known each other and the shared history kept me feeling obligated to the friendship. Despite the fact that she had grown into someone who was clearly morally bankrupt, that she was so absorbed in herself and therefore wouldn’t or couldn’t encourage or lift me up, I stuck around because, well, she had been a part of my history for so long. Then one day I realized the older we get the more precious our time is, if I 'm not spending time with my family I want to make sure the people I am spending my time with are worth it. If someone is becoming an emotional vampire, I don’t actually need to keep them in my life.

I saw this Miguel de Cervants Saavedra quote the other day and I realized that I would often think something along these lines to myself when I was cavorting with people who were behaving badly, “Tell me what company you keep and I will tell you what you are.” Are we indeed guilty by mere association? Was I morally bankrupt for being a close friend of someone who was? I hate to say it, but after a while, no matter how much you protest, try to cajole, change, and help a person, if they don’t change and you are still associating with them, then, well yes, you do bear some responsibility as well. If you aren’t a participant then at the very least you are an enabler. And in the process on some level you are letting yourself be taken advantage of or allowing someone to pull you into the mud with them. I have been having discussions lately with my friends and sisters about the people we surround ourselves with and how they make us feel. Are they encouraging or even allowing us to be our best selves? Are they pushing us to live up to what we are potentially capable of? Or are they tearing us down simply by association or perhaps even worse are they actively working to pull us down with them? After all, misery does love company. "Those who have abandoned their dreams, will discourage yours."

The other night I was watching an interview with Diane Sawyer, (who I love by the way, such a class act!). When asked what contributed to her being successful in her career and happy in life she said she attributed it to the fact that she only surrounds herself with people who reflect her best self back at her. She described them as, “those people who will tell you when there is a cliff up ahead, or a bump in the road”. Rather than watch you stumble or fall they help you overcome the obstacle. I have heard Oprah allude to this as well, that she only keeps people around her who expect great things of her, who hold her to a higher standard. Sometimes that can be annoying, when the people you love and respect call you out, when they tell you that you are better than what you are doing or how you are acting. My sister Robin is like that, she expects great things from me so she will tell me when I am being negative or letting my anxiety get the best of me. Sometimes I don’t like to hear it, it’s like when someone tells you your breath smells, you want to get peeved with them, but truly they’ve done you a great favor (I mean, we need people like that in our lives because truly, who else will tell you, right?!) . It takes courage and genuine love to tell someone that you expect more from them, that they deserve more. In the past year since I have started making changes in my life from how I treat my body to how I want to live my life this concept has become so important to me. The support and encouragement of my family and friends has been like a gust of wind pushing at my back, propelling me forward towards my goals and dreams. Could I achieve my goals without them? Probably, but the journey is so much more rewarding when you have people who are genuinely happy for you, who are trying to live the best version of themselves and therefore want you to also be the best version of yourself. It is amazing how rewarding and uplifting feeling genuine joy and happiness for someone else can feel. There is nothing altruistic about it, it is actually very selfish, however, it is mutually beneficial. It is as simple as: if you are happy, then I am happy!

The other day I was on the phone with my bestie Missy over in Sweden and she started telling me about her new business idea when she stopped and said something like, “You are probably so sick of all my business ideas at this point.” When actually I wasn’t, not only does she genuinely have some amazing ideas, but they’re fun to discuss, it's exciting to think of where the idea will take her, the success she will possibly have, additionally her idea was something that I would never think of and yet when she told me about it I thought, “Why hasn’t anyone done this before?!” Talking about her plans felt so much better than discussing the latest celebrity gossip or even dishing about people we know. Seeing other people tap into the best part of themselves is inspiring, it propels us forward, it gives us motivation and brings our goals into focus. That same day my dear friend Bunny emailed me telling me she was embarking on a healthier lifestyle this year, and the steps she is taking to make her goals a reality. I immediately wrote her back, “Yay! We can support each other and share tips!” Like I said, encouraging the people around me isn’t as selfless as it seems, it is actually quite rewarding, the better they are the better I am. And while misery may love company, apparently so does happiness! Happiness says, “Come on in, the more the merrier!” There is no capacity limit for joy and happiness and the more of it out there the more of it there is to go around. What a beautiful concept! When you are encouraging others there is no room for negativity, there is no room for envy. Even better, in the process of supporting their goals and dreams you get inspiration for your own goals and dreams. And it is so very true that like attracts like, if you are positive and putting out happiness you will attract people who are of a similar mind.

“The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” Epictetus, Greek philosopher. Apparently people have know this whole business of keeping good company for thousands of years. For me, discovering this in the last few years has been a revelation! When I was younger I wasn't always discriminate when choosing friends, because I was generally funny and liked to have fun, I would at times attract people who tended to be a little wild, a little bawdy, not usually the crowd known for reflecting our best selves back at us. Back in High school I was at a pizza parlor with my aforementioned ex bestie, we were eating pizza when a gorgeous guy walked in. We were both immediately smitten with him and staring at him unabashedly. My “friend” (I use the term loosely now) encouraged me to smile at him. I was more than a little surprised, after all, she was the man eater, I would’ve thought she would want me to fade into the background so she could shamelessly flirt with him. “Smile at him Roni! You have a great smile, just smile at him to get his attention!” So I flashed one of my biggest, cheesiest smiles, prepared for him to be dazzled by my pearly whites. However I never saw his reaction because my friend dissolved into raucous laughter and nearly fell off her chair. I started laughing at the absurdness of it all and was giggling back, “What?! WHAT?!!” When she finally caught her breath she blurted out, “You’ve had a big piece of oregano in your front teeth for the last 10 minutes!!!” Ahhhh, now I understood. Forget about warning me that the cliff was ahead, she just pushed me off it for a laugh. For years we would laugh about the story, and I actually did think it was funny at the time, truthfully I still kind of do. However, I have come to realize that actively surrounding myself with people who not only support me but who are also working at becoming the best versions of themselves has made me feel better about myself. The people I have populated my life with now will not only warm me against the big things, like if there is a cliff up ahead, but will always have my back even when it comes to smaller things, and would never let me grin like I fool when I have something stuck in my teeth. I am so blessed to have the family and friends I have now, I hope when you think of me you feel supported, encouraged and valued. Thank you to all my family and friends for not only having my back but for being the wind against it!

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Brill post! I thought as I started reading..."she went there!"... ; )
I am so done with emotional vampires (perfect name) - don't they realize that they are miserable, which is boring & that no one fun wants to hang out with a Debbie Downer, so the cycle continues for them. Life is too short to not be happy & to burden yourself with unnecessary negativity. It's not selfish to want to be happy & successful. We all deserve it.

Thanks for the props! I have to say, my self-sabotaging ways are trying to take over, but I have thought of how you have perservered in your quest & how you have just focused on accomplishing a little each day, instead of getting overwhelmed by the big picture. Thinking of you has truly helped me to focus on making my idea work. You have always had my back, never judged my craziness & always have been an inspiration to me!

love the Greek quote! Love it & will live it!!

You're the best Girl! xoxo

Posted by: Missy | 01/15/2011 at 06:26 AM

WOW! Remember when I told you that even when you were very young i would be amazed by your wisdom? I do not know if I believe in reincarnation,but if it exists,you have definitely been around many more times than I. Thanks for being "mine".

Posted by: eilen | 01/16/2011 at 02:41 PM