The Butterfly and the Bear

Freedom From Want

Norman Rockwell "Freedom From Want".

My sister Robin and I were talking about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and she eloquently pointed out that while she loves Christmas, there is something so simple and yet beautiful about Thanksgiving.  No long list of gifts to buy, no commercial consumerism, Hallmark hasn't completely commandeered it, just a day to give thanks for all we are grateful for, a day to celebrate family, friends and blessings.   I worked in retail for 11 years and sometimes I felt out of it and anxious on Thanksgiving day.  The night before I may have been at the store late setting up for Black Friday, and then of course there was the appropriately named Black Friday the day after.  After consuming turkey, stuffing, pie, and perhaps a few too many gimlets, while everyone else was still sleeping off the celebration, I would drag myself to the store to welcome the masses of eager shoppers looking for the perfect holiday makeup palette.  And while Thanksgiving is the kick off to the excitement and joy of Christmas for many, for me it was the beginning of the retail holiday mayhem, long hours, working six days a week and dealing with crazed impatient shoppers in desperate need of the perfect gift.  Perhaps that is why I have such a visceral reaction to these Black Friday ads, “Door Busters!  Get there at 3:00 AM for the best deals!”  or “Now Open 7:00AM until 3:00PM Thanksgiving Day!  Get a jump on your Black Friday shopping!”  or my favorite, “Doors open 12:00AM Thursday night!”  Umm, don’t you mean doors open at 12:00AM THANKSGIVING night??  I mean, are they forgetting what this is really all about?  It is not about camping out, stampeding into a big box of a store at 3:00am to rush over and get the newest gadget, gizmo and soon to be piece of landfill at an insanely reduced price.  “They” (I really don’t know who they are, Madison Ave?  Walmart? We/Us??) are taking one of the least commercial holidays and attempting to overshadow it with pure unadulterated consumption.  If these ads are to be believed, it is like Black Friday is the main attraction, not Thanksgiving.   All week as the ads for these “Insane!” sales increased I found my anger and exasperation increasing as well.  I would rail at anyone who would listen, “3:00 AM??? That is the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!  This is not normal!  What is wrong with Americans?  And what about the poor employees who have to leave their homes the night of Thanksgiving at 1:00AM to trudge to work and deal with crowds of charging, sale crazed consumers???”  

The fact is, some people must enjoy these sales, it must have a sense of event or excitement for them, perhaps they even look forward to it.  In the current state of our economy perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that people are camping out overnight so they can be the first ones to part with their money.  I won’t ever really understand it, and I don’t need to.  Especially now that I am thankfully no longer in retail full time.  I can’t control the rest of the country and how they live, how they celebrate Thanksgiving, whether they give thanks for amazing deals and huge reductions or if they cherish the simpler, less commercial blessings.  However, I can control how I show thanks, how I celebrate the day and those around me.  So I chose to let go of anxiety and anger and to instead focus on being thankful for the many blessings I have in my life.  I'm thankful for my family,  the abundance of love we have in our lives,  my good health and the health of all those I love, tradition, the food we have on the table, for being free from want.  I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog and for all the lovely, kind, encouraging comments I have received over the last 6 months.  I'm thankful that I get to spend my days with the most wonderful little guy in the world, and that I no longer have to drag myself kicking and screaming to work on Black Friday.  I am thankful for all the people who supported and donated to our Avon walk this year, I am so very thankful that my family has supported me in getting healthy and changing my life.  I could go on for pages and pages, but I guess what I am trying to say is instead of letting Black Friday and all I feel it represents cast a dark shadow over Thanksgiving Day I am going to remind myself of all the many blessings I have in my life and I hope that wherever you are and however you celebrate Thanksgiving, whether it be with family, friends, or  in a pup tent in the Target parking lot, that you are blessed, at peace, and want for nothing.  Happy Thanksgiving! 

 

The Best Year With The Best Bear

My friend Caitlin has a wonderful blog where she from time to time writes letters to her sons.  They are beautifully written and I always look forward to reading them.  When I arrived last Monday morning from Connecticut to start another week with my Terr-bear he and his Mommy presented me with a gift card to Barnes and Noble and a beautiful card wishing me “Happy Anniversary”.  It was a year ago last week that I started taking care of and spending my days with a then 4 month old Terrance.  The last year has literally flown by, nothing demonstrates the rapid passing of time like watching a baby grow before your eyes.  I absolutely love my days with Terr-bear, he is a joy and a delight, he makes me laugh, and he is the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful little person I have ever met.  Since we are at the one year mark I thought I would “borrow” from Caitlin’s blog and write him a letter about the past year we've had together.

 

Dear Terrance,

Do you remember our first day together?  I do!  I remember you were strapped into your seat and after your Mommy left for work we looked at each other and I said, “Well! Here we are!”  and then I took your picture and you smiled at me and I knew we would be buddies.  We were going to get along swimmingly!  Then our second day together you had your 4 month check up and do you remember how you barely even cried when you got your shots?  You were so brave and such a trooper.  

Day one with the Bear!

I remember some days in those early months wondering what we would do for 10 or 11 hours a day.  Before bed each night I pored over “The Baby Whisperer”, determined to get you on a schedule and to make sure I was doing what was best for your little body and mind to grow.  I wanted to make sure your Mommy and Daddy could got to work knowing you were in good hands and that you would feel safe and calm with me.  Do you remember all the time we would spend on “tummy time”?  How you would get upset and annoyed with me for trying to get you to keep your head up and strengthen your neck muscles?  Then finally how when you mastered that I would try and coax you to roll over?  Now when you are frustrated with me and want to get down ASAP and throw your head back forcefully and I am frantically trying to wrangle your squirming body, I remind myself how ironically it was I who helped you strengthen those head and neck muscles!

Tummy time!

I was so intent on getting you to nap in your crib, however, for a few weeks you had other plans.  Remember those cold January days when I would push you around the house in the stroller while you “hummed” yourself to sleep?  Or all those times you fell asleep in my arms and while my arms would become numb I didn’t really mind as it gave me the opportunity to stare at your beautiful little face for 45 minutes or so.  

45 Minutes of bliss.

I love that when we go to  Shake Rattle and Roll you are the only child that goes into the middle of the circle and dances to the music.  You've had an appreciation and love for music from the start. We would dance around the living room in the mornings listening to what you now call the “Ding Ding” song and you’d put your head on my shoulder and sometimes drift off to sleep.  I still think the most comforting and peaceful feeling in the world is the weight of your head on my shoulder and your little body on my chest. 

I remember your first snow, your Mommy and I bundled you up in your teddy bear snow suit and placed you in a downy white drift and while we thought you would gleefully start playing you gave us both a dubious look and reached for your Mommy to pick you up.  Then there was that day where the flakes of snow were the size of quarters, I bundled us up and carried you out to see the flakes, instead of being in awe of them you giggled at how silly I looked with the hood of my coat pulled over my head and you gave me a hug.  

Who knew Bears didn't like snow?

The first time I heard you say my name to get my attention, I wrote it in my journal, it was February 18, 2010. Now I love how in the mornings as I shuffle out of bed and out to the living room to start the day with you, you yell from behind the baby gate, “MNNN-DEEE!”  Or when tonight when we were driving your parents home from the train you pointed to me and murmured, “Mnnnndeeee”.  

When you were only a few months old I would make my hand crawl all over you like a little bug and you would giggle and laugh.  We’d spend hours simply playing peek-a-boo with your blanket.  And remember how you’d lay on your back on the floor and we’d sing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”?  Now when I sing "Twinkle" to you, you say “Agin!  Peas?!!”  which I know means, “Again, please!”  You are one of the only people on the planet who will actually beg me to sing.  

You have been fascinated by lights since I can remember.  When we stayed at Nan and Pop’s last year I would walk you around and soothe you by pointing out all the lights, now everywhere we go you point out the lights and will beg me to turn them on, this includes street lamps and lights in the grocery store.  “Light” was one of the first words you spoke.  That seems appropriate considering you are the light of my life.  

You have been a showman from the start, you ham it up when I bring out the camera!  That combined with your cute little mug has resulted in me taking literally thousands of pictures of you over the last year.  You mastered a wonderful little parlor trick early on that we would use to charm people, I'd ask you, "Terrance, what does the lion say??" to which you would respond with a loud and hearty, "ROARRR!!".  I love that when your Halloween costume arrived, a lion suit naturally, you gleefully posed for my many pictures and roared at me theatrically.  

ROARRR!!!!

Now, I know it wasn’t all giggles and roses.  We had our days where both of us felt like we couldn’t hit our stride.  There was the time I locked the keys in the car, and I dressed you in some silly outfits on several occasions, and the time I splattered cold (thank God not hot!) coffee all over you and your white furry coat.  And how can we forget your one year check up, such a monumentous occasion for a little guy!  When your Mommy went to the ladies room and left us in the waiting room of the Dr.’s office you started to fuss, so I picked you up and we started swaying back and forth and humming, suddenly my entire sundress was covered with your urine which also shot out and hit one of the waiting room chairs.  Whoops!  Then once back at home I decided to heed the Dr.’s advice to start feeding you more chunky food to get you accustomed to “real food”, I placed some infant puffs on your high chair tray and showed you how to eat them, you reluctantly put one in your mouth only to instantaneously start gagging and then proceeded to vomit all over us both.  More recently I know there are times when you are frustrated with me, you are communicating so beautifully and  I will be certain I know what you are asking for, only to have you throw your body on the floor and wail “Nooooo!!!”.  I am trying to learn what you are saying, I promise it will get easier for us both.  And I understand you don’t like the fact that I tell you not to touch or do so many of the very things you find so intersting; t.v.’s, Ipods, stoves, electrical outlets, climb the stairs, shut your fingers in doors, and my favorite, sticking your fingers in crevices where they inevitably will become stuck, I know I seem like a real buzzkill, but I swear it is all for your own good. 

Bear on the move!

However, vomiting, peeing, tantrums, and trying to stick your fingers anywhere and everywhere aside, we really do have a good time together, don't we?  I have never laughed as much as I have this past year.  It is truly amazing for me to see the world through your eyes, to see how beautiful, awe inspiring and wonderful every day occurrences can be.  That I can forget our shopping list and become annoyed at my own forgetfulness and mutter “Duh” to myself and I hear your little giggle, so I say “duh” again, this time more theatrically and you dissolve into laughter.  Suddenly my silly mistake is forgotten!  It is amazing how your smile, a hug from you, and your big wet kisses can make me feel like I am the luckiest person in the world.  I love our walks, our hours spent reading, playing and dancing, you make every day worthwhile, fun, and an adventure.  What you don't know is that when I was toiling away commuting into the city, working and feeling trapped, exhausted and uninspired, whenever the clock would strike 11:11 I would say a little prayer and ask for the coming year to simply be, "the best year of my life, so far."  So it seems appropriate to thank you on 11/11 for what has in so many ways been the best year of my life so far.  I love you Bear!

Love,

Mnnnndeeeee!

16 Months old!  What a year it's been! xoxo