The Butterfly and the Bear

A Life Inspired

My cousin Cathy posted this on her Facebook wall with the comments, “So inspiring”.  Right now I am all about anything inspiring so I clicked on the link and watched the video about Ben’s journey and was moved to tears.  I feel like he so simply and yet eloquently summed up how it feels to be overweight. Once he was small, a sweet little boy with endless possibilities, then he grew big. And then he became lonely and sad.  Yet he somehow managed to turn it around and monumentally change his life. 

Stories like Ben’s make me realize inspiration is all around us.  We just have to be open to it.  I am not simplifying this nor am I attempting to make this idea seem trite and Disneyfied.  The words “inspiration” and “inspiring” and their variants have been overused in our culture, the newest self help book, Lifetime original movies, last weeks Oprah, are all touted as “inspiring”.  So many times we are fed some hackneyed, corny story and told we should find it inspiring.  Like if we would just have the right attitude, if we were to walk out the door with a spring in our step humming a jaunty tune birds would alight upon our shoulders and the sun would shine down upon us and we will feel INSPIRED!  Inspiration is a personal thing, what inspires me may not move you.  However, if we learn to recognize inspiration in our lives, or at least what we define it as, and use it to motivate us in small ways it can be the catalyst for huge changes.  

For someone like myself who is actively working on making both small and major changes in her life, clicking onto Facebook and seeing something like this only makes me feel more inspired and resolute.  It motivates and drives me.  It reminds me anyone can make changes, you are never too old, it is never too late, and there is no time like the present.  In the span of a mere year you can make leaps and bounds.  In a year you can emotionally, physically and mentally be a new person, if you allow yourself to be inspired and you use that inspiration as fuel to spur you forward.  I guess for a long time I felt uninspired, I was too old, I was too stressed, too busy, time was running out, I was going nowhere fast.  Now that I am in the midst of changing my life I realize that while the days are indeed long and the years short, it will race by no matter what, so you may as well be doing what you love and making yourself a priority because time waits for no one.

Over the last few days I have been reflecting on the changes I have made over the last 4 months and what does in fact inspire me because my Mother asked me a simple yet loaded question the other night.  She has been one of my greatest cheerleaders in this whole process, every pound I lose she notices, every blog post I write she comments, every mile I walk in preparation for my Avon walk she applauds, she truly is in her seemingly boundless support and pride in me inspiring!  Knowing that my weight has been an issue for me for so many years she asked me, “What is different this time?  Why do yo think you are able to be so successful now?”  I answered that it was due in large part to Terr-bear, chase a toddler around all day and you will find if you aren’t in shape, then you best get into shape fast.  Yet spending time with such a young, lovable and new little person seems to also bring everything into sharp focus.  Potential is everywhere, everything is new, possibilities are endless and joy is pure and simple.  The most mundane and pedestrian of tasks have the potential to be joyful and captivating.  It is impossible to be around a child and not recognize how beautiful life can be.  Additionally, nothing illustrates the swift passage of time like a toddler, over the course of a mere month they will go from crawling to walking, get teeth where before there were only gums, go from grunting to talking, seemingly grow inches before your eyes.  You have a daily reminder of how quickly life moves.  You have to seize the day.  Before I would agonize over the fact that time was running out, my youth was slipping away, and it would have the reverse effect on me, it would paralyze me, fear would keep me in this viscous cycle.  Now seeing Terr-Bear grow right before my eyes reminded what a beautiful gift life is and how I had an obligation to live the best life I could.  

So, while at times the idea of being positive and finding inspiration every day makes the cynic in me cringe, I am finding I am actively looking for it and in fact need it to keep me focused.  Negative thoughts creep in, losing direction is easy.  The road is long and it is littered with self sabotage, I need inspiration to keep going.  Being able to log on to the computer and see my friend Lynn has emailed me a link to an author she thinks would resonate with me, seeing my cousin’s link to Ben’s story, my besty Missy congratulating me for walking 3 miles the other day, a grade school friend emailing me to tell me she enjoys the blog, or seeing the generosity of friends and family who have donated to my Avon walk, they light a fire under me, they remind me that I’m not alone, and life can be rewarding.  We want people to succeed, we want to succeed ourselves, so when we see someone else making big changes, we are reminded of our own limitless potential.  Everyone is looking for inspiration and they are willing to support it, though words, through actions, even through donations. Thank you all for inspiring me, hopefully you found Ben's story as inspiring as I did, and I hope you have endless sources of inspiration in your lives!

Butterfly, Bear, and Bugs, Oh My!

I have a massive, beyond irrational, bug phobia.  I know they are harmless.  I know they are just as, if not more, scared of me.  I can try and reason with myself and talk myself off the ledge when confronted with a creepy crawler, but truly it doesn’t work, I quite simply freak the hell out.  This is, for lack of a better term, is totally not cool.  I lose it, like screaming, squealing, climbing up on chairs and freaking out lose it.  This phobia doesn’t really jibe with the whole independent woman vibe I am trying to work.  I can seem to be totally in control and then a water bug will appear and I will become a raving, cowering fool. 

In college my friends became accustomed to having to kill “eyebrow” bugs for me.  (I don’t know their real name, my friends and I named them that and I refuse to google it and look up what their proper name is because I will want to barf when the images pop up, so you’re on your own.) They are the bugs with tons of legs, a thick body and well, they look like eyebrows.  They were common in our dorm much to my distress, and they are fast and can slip into a crack in the wall!  HORROR!  My friends Michelle, Missy and Laura all at some point had to kill one of these unwelcome visitors in my dorm room.  Missy grew up in the country with 5 brothers so while she didn’t exactly want to adopt one of these guys as pets, she could definitely handle the sudden appearance of one of these crawlers with more finesse than I could, I would simply run from the room screaming.  

Laura was my suite mate sophomore year, which meant our rooms were connected by a little room with a sink.  One morning I awoke to one of these bastards hanging out on the wall above my bed, so I mustered up all of my courage and tried to kill it, and it retreated under my bed!  So of course I stood on the bed whimpering and trying to figure out how I could dress myself for class without actually leaving the island of my bed when I hear laura from behind the door in the sink room, “OH MY GOD!  IT’S HUUGGEE!”  The little rascal had migrated under the door!  “KILL IT LAURA!  KILL!  IT!!!!”  She stomped that sucker to death.  She said she actually heard it’s footsteps as it entered the room.  True story.  So. Up. Setting. 

When I lived in NYC with my sister Robin she was well aware of my aversion to bugs of all sorts.  Thankfully Robin is beyond type-A and I am quite neat myself so our apartment was always spotless.  However, about twice a year we would be visited by those little beasts known as water bugs.  Again, if you are not aware of these monsters then google it, but be prepared to be horrified.  They are mutants.  Anyhoo, one night I come home after a night of merriment and perhaps feeling the effects of the one or maybe two vodka cranberries (no more than that, I assure you) I had, and when I switch on the living room light I freeze.  There like a deer in headlights in the middle of the floor is on of these savage little beasts.  So I unleash a tirade of curses and then whimper, “WHY?!  We are so clean!  Look at this place, it is gorgeous!  I HATE YOU!  Why are you here?!  LEAVE US ALONE!!!” and stomp my feet and cry.  Realizing this is a rather ineffective technique and since he is standing in between me and my room I register if I am going to get any sleep I must get rid of him. I can’t step on him, the sound will make me vomit and will defile my shoes.  So naturally I run to the bathroom and grab the toxic tile cleaner.  Clever girl!  I proceed to chase that bastard around the living room and let me tell you he is fast, he runs to and fro, even climbs up the bottom of my sisters gorgeous new couch from Pottery Barn.  Finally, I win out and I get him in a puddle of the cleaner on the floor.  I am exhausted after the adrenalin rush and simply can’t face disposing of his carcass right now so I decide to leave it till the morning and retreat to a fitful sleep.  The next day I happen to notice the sage green velvet couch has white marks all along the bottom.  Uh-oh.  The tile cleaner had bleach in it.  In my haste to obliterate that bug I marred my sisters beautiful sofa! My sister knowing how insanely phobic I am when it comes to bugs (She actually killed a few in the 3 years we lived there and never even told me out of fear I would never again get a good nights sleep) and being beyond patient when it comes to her younger sister was disappointed but never made me feel bad about the fact that I marred her lovely couch.   

Another night I came home after a night out to find the buddy of the last bug in my living room, this guy was even faster and now I knew my fail safe tile cleaner tactic was no longer a viable option so I chased him with a book and to my absolute terror he ran from the living room into my room!  My gorgeous sanctuary!  And of course I couldn’t find him.  I pulled out the dresser, the bed, I vacuumed the entire room in hopes of nabbing him.  I was hysterical, it was 2:00am I couldn’t call anyone and my sister was away for the weekend.  Finally around 4:00am I was exhausted, so naturally I pulled my bed into the middle of the room and fell into a fitful and spasmodic sleep.  My sister and my soon to be brother in law Chris returned the next morning.  I emerged from my room looking like I had been on a week long bender, dark circles under my eyes, trembling and my hair all askew.  “Wow, rough night?” They asked.  So I filled them in on the gory details and how the creep was still at large.  As I am talking Robin has this crazy Stepford wife smile plastered on her face and she is simply replying, “Okay, un-hunh, oh, okay.”  And she gets up and slowly moves towards me.  “Oh my God! Is it behind me?!  It’s here isn’t it?!”  And with that she dives past me and kills it as it waltzes out of my room.  It was in there with me ALL NIGHT!!!!!  (Cue the psycho shower scene music).  So I jump up on my desk chair and begin frantically scratching at myself and Chris mutters, “You know what you got here, you’ve got an infestation.”  So I start freaking out and my sister yells, “Do you ever want her to come down off that chair?!  WE DO NOT HAVE AN INFESTATION!” And we didn’t, thankfully, but those beasts always seemed like such an intrusion to me.  And I hated the way I couldn’t control my reaction to them, when I wasn’t faced with one I would tell myself next time I'd stay calm, they are nothing, they can’t hurt you, you are in control.  All that would fly out the window when I would be presented with one of them chilling in my beautiful apartment.  

I have a whole arsenal of bug stories, like the time I was cat sitting for a coworker on avenue A and a water bug (which in the dark I mistook for a mouse initially) freaked me out to the point I slipped my boots on and ran from the apartment and took a cab uptown to my sisters place not realizing I was still in my thermal Victoria Secret pajamas.  Or the time when I lived in Stamford and got only two hours of sleep after a huge outdoor bug crawled ACROSS MY ARM while I was all snugly in my bed.  Clearly, this whole bug phobia is an ongoing challenge for me.  In fact as I am writing this I am itchy, scratching at myself and twitching.  I don’t like feeling out of control, I hate that something so small can illicit such panic in me. So this morning I put my bear down for his nap, I settle in with my coffee and fire up my laptop when I see what I think is a small animal crawling along the wall in the den.  It is an eyebrow bug!  It has been years since I have seen one of these wiley S.O.B’s and I am thoroughly disgusted.  It promptly runs behind the couch.  Of course, coward!  I grab my flip flop and wait.  And nothing.  So I am thinking you know what Mister, my nephew plays in here, it is one thing to mess with me but hell no, you will not mess with my bear!  So I sit in the armchair and wait.  I sip my coffee and I bide my time.  I even check email.  Then, after a half hour or so, he reappears.  Now, bear with me because what is about to follow is expletive laden and perhaps ridiculous to those of you who don’t have a bug phobia, but it is how the actual events unfolded.  So I grab my flip flop and say out loud, “You've got this Mandy! You've got this!  DO IT!!”  And I smack that flip flop against the wall with lightening speed and all my might and he falls to the floor dead. WOO!!! HOOOO!!  And I actually yell out loud (this is where my Mother may want to leave the room and earmuffs for the kids here) “Yeah motherfucker!  Yeah!  I got you motherfucker!  Yes!  I did it!  Yes!”  

Again, if you aren’t scared of bugs, if you don’t have this particular phobia you are probably thinking, “Get a life woman!”  But for me it was a big deal.  Hell I am still riding high on the fact that instead of running from the room I took control of the situation.  Like I mentioned earlier, my inexplicable bug phobia isn’t really consistent with the whole independent woman thing I am trying to cultivate.  So I’m not saying I have conquered this neurosis, however, I’m psyched I didn’t let my fear get the best of me.  Is it pathetic that I am so exhilarated by my “accomplishment” and mentally high-fiving myself?  Perhaps, but it made my day and I had to share.  Small steps, right? 

Are We There Yet?

The last few weeks I have had this low level feeling of anxiety, this nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  Yet, when I actually stop and try to pinpoint what is making me restless I'm not able to exactly figure it out.  It’s like I’m walking down the street and I feel like someone is following me, I feel their eyes on me, I hear their footsteps, and yet when I turn around no one is there.  Yet, every day for the last three weeks, there it is, this feeling of unease.  When I was on vacation I assumed it was my lack of routine, that I missed having my days ordered around Terr-bear and our structured schedules.  Then I assumed it was the guilt about not writing my blog nipping at my heels.  However,  I’m back from vacation for over a week now and have once again resumed my blogging duties and still, there it is, like a low persistent humming.  I don’t know where it’s coming from, I can’t quite figure out what it is, but it is driving me nuts.  

So today while I was strolling with Terr-bear I forced myself to figure out what this unease is and what was causing it.  I realized it is impatience.  It's these hushed yet persistent thoughts in the back of my mind telling me things aren’t happening fast enough...I haven’t made real significant changes in my life...no matter how much work I put into myself, I can’t control the future...what’s different this time?  You’ll just slip back into old habits again...you still have so much work ahead of you, you still have far to go.  Ugh! Stinkin’ thinkin'!  

How, I asked myself,  after 10 some-odd years of inertia are things not happening fast enough?!  How, after spending so much time with my head buried in the sand, am I now getting impatient, anxious for the new, the next, the greatest?  And exactly what is the new and the next?  I don’t really know.  And perhaps that is what is most frightening to me.  I mean, I know what I would LIKE the next to be.  I want to have lost all of the weight I need to lose, I want to be fit and active, I want to have all the money I need for the Avon walk raised.  And I want...well this is the difficult one to verbalize, I want the husband, the kids, the dogs, and the home.  I want to entertain my family in my home at Christmas, I want to decorate a nursery, I want to train our two rambunctious but lovable labs, I want the controlled chaos, I want to be settled.  Or at least feel settled.  And right now I am the epitome of unsettled, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am literally unsettled, I have no home, no “real”  job, no concrete answers, no guarantees.  I have only my ambitions, my goals, my dreams.  The whole of it is completely unsettling.   

 So why the anxiety and disquiet now?  I’ve been at it for four months, and they have been some of the most rewarding and inspiring months I've had in a long time.  I’ve been unhappy, if not unsettled,  for years, why this low grade unease now?  Maybe, just maybe turning 35 in 5 days is contributing to the unease.  Perhaps while I have vowed to eliminate regret and to only look ahead, not back, maybe looking ahead is scary as well.  I guess I want assurances, hard and fast truths and all I have are goals and dreams.  I want a guarantee that if I do A, B, and C I will absolutely get to X, Y, and Z.

Most birthdays I’ve had over the last 12 years I have always silently wished to myself that it was either my 20th, 21st or 22nd birthday.  I would wish that I could somehow go back, get a do-over, wake up younger and yet wiser.  Well the good news is that I was thinking about my birthday this weekend and I realized for the first time in along time I do not wish to go back,  I am excited for the future and looking forward to what life has in store for me.  Then of course the doubts started to creep in.  I went down the rabbit hole in my mind and without steadfast guarantees in place there left room for doubt and uncertainty...I turned 20 15 years ago.  It doesn’t seem that long ago in some ways.  I remember that year so vividly.  Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s been 15 years, I don’t feel like I’ve grown 15 years worth.  Then I thought, how old will I be 15 years from now? Oh.  My. God.  FIFTY!  In 15 years I will be FIFTY!  20 to 35 is the same distance as 35 to 50.  It was this realization that made me want to have all the results, all the glory, all the pieces of the puzzle in place NOW.  I felt like time was running out, I wasted my twenties, I needed to get a jump on the rest of my life.  Now, I know what a therapist, priest, higher power, guidance counselor, shaman, (whatever!) would tell me, “So you’re telling me you’ve put in about four solid months of work and you now expect results?  You are so not in it for the long haul.”  The rest of their sage advice would be drowned out by their uproarious laughter at my clueless naivete.  

I am in it for the long haul!  I have no choice but to be in it for the long haul.  What are my options, wake up at 50 scratching my head and wondering where the hell the last 15 years went?  The prospect of that is beyond disillusioning to me.  So I have to keep reminding myself that “the days are long but the years are short.”  Stop trying to rush this.  Stop trying to fast forward to the part where all the goals you’ve set for yourself have been achieved.  Stop trying to predict the future or control the outcome.  I can control how I treat my body, how I take care of myself, how I prepare for the future, how I create the sort of person I want to be, the type of life I want to live, the rest I have to leave in the hands of God.  Instead of worrying about things that are beyond my control I should enjoy my days with Terr-bear, relish my long walks while I prepare for the Avon walk, savor the freedom of being childless for the moment and having the luxury of being able to focus so much of my time and attention on improving myself physically and mentally.  And besides, once I achieve all the goals I've set for myself, I will just have to set new, bigger, and more outrageous goals.  So I really just need to be cognizant of enjoying the journey.  Because once I have lost the weight, have raised the money and walked the 39 miles, am no longer spending my days with my sweet Terr-bear and have kids of my own who are crying, while the dogs are behaving rambunctiously, the house is a mess, and I am trying to prepare Christmas dinner for 30 guests, I will think back to this time wistfully and say to myself, “Damn, that went by fast.”

A Cold Hard Look

Since it has been over 3 months since I embarked on this blog and my journey of transition I figured  I would do a sort of self assessment, evaluate where I am in terms of achieving my year long goals. Time to take a cold hard look on how I am doing.  Yikes!

LOSE 65 LBS

For the first time in a long time I have been totally focused on what I am putting in my body and getting healthy.  It is no coincidence that losing weight is number one on my list, it has been my primary focus every day for the last three months.  My weight and the issues that accompany it has been a major obstacle for me for a large part of my life.  Overcoming this major hurdle, I feel, is key to facing head on all of the other challenges and goals on both my year list and life list.  If you aren’t healthy how in the world can you ever realistically run a 5K?  Or raise $2000 and walk 39 miles for the fight against Breast Cancer?  And truly, I need to look good if I ever expect to woo Bono away from his wife, right?!  I kid, I kid, but seriously, thanks to the support of my parents and my amazing family and friends I have been able to stay positive and energized about losing weight.  3 months in and I am down over 30 lbs, so for this goal I am totally on track to succeed! 

30 MINUTES OF WALKING 5 DAYS A WEEK

Since I started taking care of Terr-bear we have, weather permitting, always aimed to walk for a minimum of 30 minutes a day.  We have since upped our walks to an hour and weekends I am walking in Waveny park, my new favorite spot in New Canaan to train for my Avon Walk.  As a result walking is officially my favorite way to clear my mind and get my butt moving. 

LEARN YOGA

I had been doing 9 simple yoga poses daily either while Terrance crawled around me or while he was napping, however, on vacation, not so much.  Apparently vacation is my kryptonite.  I restarted my poses on Tuesday.  Writing all this down and making myself accountable is helping me to see a pattern, I clearly am the sort of person who thrives when I have a schedule to adhere to.

QUIT COKE (Diet coke, I am beyond addicted) 

I have to be completely honest, I may be more addicted now to the bubbly stuff than I was before.  This goal I have put on the back burner, I fully intend to quit the sweet nectar of the gods by May and well within my one year mark.  However, for the meantime it is one of my few “treats”.  My sister saw me guzzling a nice cold can of the poison a few weeks ago and exclaimed, “Woah!  You are supposed to be quitting!”  To which I replied in my best exorcist voice, “LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!!!”  Which isn’t entirely true, I’m not hungry at all, but after eliminating most carbs and sugar based products, I need my D.C!  No bread has passed my lips, no ice cream has grazed my tongue, no chocolate has melted in my mouth in over 3 months, so I am allowing myself this one indulgence, for now.  

DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER DAILY

Done!  I actually am averaging a minimum of 90 ounces of water a day.  I know studies have emerged saying we may not need the 8 glasses of water a day previously prescribed.  I disagree, as someone who has worked in the beauty industry for over 11 years, I can honestly say water is one of the best and cheapest beauty products out there.  Drink up to half your weight in ounces a day and watch your skin clear up, appear more hydrated, supple, and radiant.  Just don’t drink it all at once, spread it out over an entire day and prepare yourself for frequent bathroom breaks.  It’s worth it.  Yay water! 

START AND MAINTAIN A BLOG (YAY!)

Started, check, maintained, mehhhh.  Back on track though!  And as previously discussed, I had my vacation, now I am back on a schedule and need to blog.  It makes me happy, it gets me writing and keeps me accountable. 

BECOME MORE TECH SAVVY

Ugh.  Technology!  The bane of my existence!  I switched up the layout of the blog last night, it was so frustrating!  I know there is more I can do, I know there are things I should be able to figure out that I can’t. This is an ongoing challenge for me.  

NURTURE MY RELATIONSHIPS

I think (and hope) I have been making a more concerted effort to be there for the people I love and care about.  I am working really hard at being better at maintaining contact through email and phone with my peeps, but this is something I have to almost remind myself daily to do.  “Email them now!  Not later.”  “Call now, don’t get distracted!”  I hate the phone and apparently have the attention span of a gnat, the combination of the two has made for long periods of silence in the past.  I am in the process of rectifying that.  I am also making sure the people in my life know how much I love and appreciate them.  In fact if you are reading this, I love and appreciate you!  Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and for all of the comments and words of encouragement I have received, thank you!!

STAND UP FOR MYSELF

This seems to be easier for me as of late.  It is amazing how making positive changes in your life and knowing you have the support of the people you love and respect makes you feel a little invincible.  I feel stronger and worthy and therefore I don’t feel compelled to let people get away with bad or abusive behavior. 

BECOME FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE

Sigh.  This is slowly falling into place.   Right now I am focused on setting aside money for when unexpected expenses pop up.  I am proud of the fact that I don’t frivolously spend my money, when I get an email about a sale or major discount at one of my favorite stores, I don’t even open it.  I haven’t shopped for myself in months.  Every purchase is recorded.  However, this goal is still a work in progress for me.

RUN A 5K

You have to walk before you run, right?  I am prepping for my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, after completing that my focus will turn to getting my body conditioned to run and eventually (before the end of May 2011!) participate in a 5K.

GO TO ITALY

The planning has commenced!  All that remains is picking up extra hours selling makeup to the pretty ladies to save up the funds, after setting aside money for unexpected expenses and having a little cushion in savings.  The air miles are set aside, now the fun part begins, planning and daydreaming of all the places to see!  Spring of 2011 Ciao Italia!!

APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOLS

I haven’t begun to crack this case.  I am totally overwhelmed by the process and keep putting it off. People apply to grad schools all the time, people coordinate and get loans, write essays, get their letters of recommendation, they do it all and make it happen.  My sister Sheila did it, my friend Bunny just did it, I can do it but I need to put my fear and anxiety aside.

FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND HOW TO MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING IT. 

I’m still figuring this out. I am passionate about Terr-bear!  I love writing, even if it is a major source of anxiety for me.  “Does this sound idiotic?”  “Is my vocabulary frighteningly limited?”  “Does this sound like a baboon wrote it?”  “Does anyone really care to read what I think?!”  Despite all those nasty little thoughts, I love writing and I adore all the funny, kind, and supportive feedback I’ve gotten.  What I need to figure out is which of these favorite activities will eventually pave the way for me to have a career I love. 

RAISE $1800 AND WALK 39 MILES FOR THE AVON WALK FOR BREAST CANCER

This goal has elicited such a conflicting combination of emotions from me and like my goal of losing weight, it is something that is in the forefront of my mind almost every minute of the day.  I am excited at the challenge of walking farther than I have ever attempted to and for such an amazing cause.  I am nervous and yet intrigued about camping overnight.  I’m looking forward to meeting and connecting with all my fellow walkers, and I am elated to be sharing in this experience with my best friend and sister Robin.  I’m touched and grateful for all the generous donations and messages of support I have received from family and friends, and I am so humbled by their generosity. Yet I am totally freaked out that I won’t raise the funds needed.  In order to be able to actually walk you must have raised a minimum of $1800, I am about halfway there with 5 weeks to go.  My sister is about a quarter of the way there.  My daily mantra has become “You will raise the money, YOU WILL RAISE THE MONEY!!”  To achieve this goal I actually need the help and support of anyone reading this.  Every dollar counts, no donation is “small”, please if you can, consider donating to my walk!  Thank you so much to all of you who have donated, I can’t begin to express my gratitude to you!  

So while I work on achieving goals 1-15 and continue prepping for my two days and 39 miles of walking, would you please click on the link below and donate!  Thank you!

If you would like to donate please visit my donation page here.  And because we are both walking and soliciting support from some of the same circle of family and friends, if you would like to split your donation between my sister and myself please visit my sister Robin's page here.

Bad Blogger!

I have been a bad blogger, I let Terr-bears new found ability to walk (and thus fall and tumble into seemingly everything) distract me from blogging.  I think I may have foolishly assumed the older he got the easier and more low key our days would be.  Are all the Mom’s reading this laughing yet?  For those of you who don’t spend your days with a toddler, it only gets more hectic and there is no “spare” time.  And naps are made for regrouping, going to the bathroom, eating, chugging coffee, not blogging so much.   I kept telling myself I would blog while I was on vacation, my sister had two weeks off which meant I too had 2 weeks off.  So while I chased after my little bear I assuaged my guilt over not blogging by telling myself I would be a blogging machine once I was off for two weeks.  

And then vacation came and I....went to New Jersey to visit with my bestie, then worked for a few days selling makeup to the pretty ladies, then up to my sisters beach house for a week, then back for a few more days of putting makeup on pretty ladies, and well, no blogging.  No blogging despite the fact that when I would be hovering over my laptop doing important stuff like checking facebook my Mother would cheerfully chirp, “Oh!  Are you writing your blog?”.  Or that while I was on facebook trying to silence my inner voice telling me what a disgrace I was for not blogging, my sweet sister had posted on my wall, “I miss the Butterfly and the Bear!”  So did I!  I just felt like I couldn’t make myself write anything.  However, I did find I truly missed it and despite my sabbatical from the blog I received some funny and kind comments while I was away which made me feel enthusiastic and brought a smile to my face.  

So, I am recommitting myself to number 6 on the list, “Start and maintain a blog.”  When I was visiting my bestie Missy she said, “You can just post a picture and a few comments, it doesn’t always have to be a beautifully crafted essay.”  I know this but I have trouble writing just a small snippet.  However, after 3 weeks of silence I realize that a simple observation would be better than nothing.  So I am back and recommitted, if you’ll have me!

So back in the saddle!  And since I am taking a cold hard look at myself and my obvious tendency towards procrastination, ( this has always been an issue for me, in college I would start 15 page papers at 11:00pm the night before they were due, in theater I would frantically try to memorize my lines at dinner before heading over to practice, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?  Right?!) I am going to devote tomorrows blog to assessing my progress thus far in achieving my goals on my year long list.  Yikes.  Don’t get me wrong, the goals are on my mind daily, some are more in the forefront than others, but I know them all and I am actively working towards achieving them all.  However, as the last month has reminded me, time waits for no man (or woman) and the clock is ticking, the months are passing.  Am I were I want to be?  Where I need to be to achieve these goals in the time frame I set for myself?  So tomorrow’s blog will be all about accountability and assessing where I am and what I am doing to make my dreams a reality (GULP!).  Wish me luck!