In college my friends became accustomed to having to kill “eyebrow” bugs for me. (I don’t know their real name, my friends and I named them that and I refuse to google it and look up what their proper name is because I will want to barf when the images pop up, so you’re on your own.) They are the bugs with tons of legs, a thick body and well, they look like eyebrows. They were common in our dorm much to my distress, and they are fast and can slip into a crack in the wall! HORROR! My friends Michelle, Missy and Laura all at some point had to kill one of these unwelcome visitors in my dorm room. Missy grew up in the country with 5 brothers so while she didn’t exactly want to adopt one of these guys as pets, she could definitely handle the sudden appearance of one of these crawlers with more finesse than I could, I would simply run from the room screaming.
Laura was my suite mate sophomore year, which meant our rooms were connected by a little room with a sink. One morning I awoke to one of these bastards hanging out on the wall above my bed, so I mustered up all of my courage and tried to kill it, and it retreated under my bed! So of course I stood on the bed whimpering and trying to figure out how I could dress myself for class without actually leaving the island of my bed when I hear laura from behind the door in the sink room, “OH MY GOD! IT’S HUUGGEE!” The little rascal had migrated under the door! “KILL IT LAURA! KILL! IT!!!!” She stomped that sucker to death. She said she actually heard it’s footsteps as it entered the room. True story. So. Up. Setting.
When I lived in NYC with my sister Robin she was well aware of my aversion to bugs of all sorts. Thankfully Robin is beyond type-A and I am quite neat myself so our apartment was always spotless. However, about twice a year we would be visited by those little beasts known as water bugs. Again, if you are not aware of these monsters then google it, but be prepared to be horrified. They are mutants. Anyhoo, one night I come home after a night of merriment and perhaps feeling the effects of the one or maybe two vodka cranberries (no more than that, I assure you) I had, and when I switch on the living room light I freeze. There like a deer in headlights in the middle of the floor is on of these savage little beasts. So I unleash a tirade of curses and then whimper, “WHY?! We are so clean! Look at this place, it is gorgeous! I HATE YOU! Why are you here?! LEAVE US ALONE!!!” and stomp my feet and cry. Realizing this is a rather ineffective technique and since he is standing in between me and my room I register if I am going to get any sleep I must get rid of him. I can’t step on him, the sound will make me vomit and will defile my shoes. So naturally I run to the bathroom and grab the toxic tile cleaner. Clever girl! I proceed to chase that bastard around the living room and let me tell you he is fast, he runs to and fro, even climbs up the bottom of my sisters gorgeous new couch from Pottery Barn. Finally, I win out and I get him in a puddle of the cleaner on the floor. I am exhausted after the adrenalin rush and simply can’t face disposing of his carcass right now so I decide to leave it till the morning and retreat to a fitful sleep. The next day I happen to notice the sage green velvet couch has white marks all along the bottom. Uh-oh. The tile cleaner had bleach in it. In my haste to obliterate that bug I marred my sisters beautiful sofa! My sister knowing how insanely phobic I am when it comes to bugs (She actually killed a few in the 3 years we lived there and never even told me out of fear I would never again get a good nights sleep) and being beyond patient when it comes to her younger sister was disappointed but never made me feel bad about the fact that I marred her lovely couch.
Another night I came home after a night out to find the buddy of the last bug in my living room, this guy was even faster and now I knew my fail safe tile cleaner tactic was no longer a viable option so I chased him with a book and to my absolute terror he ran from the living room into my room! My gorgeous sanctuary! And of course I couldn’t find him. I pulled out the dresser, the bed, I vacuumed the entire room in hopes of nabbing him. I was hysterical, it was 2:00am I couldn’t call anyone and my sister was away for the weekend. Finally around 4:00am I was exhausted, so naturally I pulled my bed into the middle of the room and fell into a fitful and spasmodic sleep. My sister and my soon to be brother in law Chris returned the next morning. I emerged from my room looking like I had been on a week long bender, dark circles under my eyes, trembling and my hair all askew. “Wow, rough night?” They asked. So I filled them in on the gory details and how the creep was still at large. As I am talking Robin has this crazy Stepford wife smile plastered on her face and she is simply replying, “Okay, un-hunh, oh, okay.” And she gets up and slowly moves towards me. “Oh my God! Is it behind me?! It’s here isn’t it?!” And with that she dives past me and kills it as it waltzes out of my room. It was in there with me ALL NIGHT!!!!! (Cue the psycho shower scene music). So I jump up on my desk chair and begin frantically scratching at myself and Chris mutters, “You know what you got here, you’ve got an infestation.” So I start freaking out and my sister yells, “Do you ever want her to come down off that chair?! WE DO NOT HAVE AN INFESTATION!” And we didn’t, thankfully, but those beasts always seemed like such an intrusion to me. And I hated the way I couldn’t control my reaction to them, when I wasn’t faced with one I would tell myself next time I'd stay calm, they are nothing, they can’t hurt you, you are in control. All that would fly out the window when I would be presented with one of them chilling in my beautiful apartment.
I have a whole arsenal of bug stories, like the time I was cat sitting for a coworker on avenue A and a water bug (which in the dark I mistook for a mouse initially) freaked me out to the point I slipped my boots on and ran from the apartment and took a cab uptown to my sisters place not realizing I was still in my thermal Victoria Secret pajamas. Or the time when I lived in Stamford and got only two hours of sleep after a huge outdoor bug crawled ACROSS MY ARM while I was all snugly in my bed. Clearly, this whole bug phobia is an ongoing challenge for me. In fact as I am writing this I am itchy, scratching at myself and twitching. I don’t like feeling out of control, I hate that something so small can illicit such panic in me. So this morning I put my bear down for his nap, I settle in with my coffee and fire up my laptop when I see what I think is a small animal crawling along the wall in the den. It is an eyebrow bug! It has been years since I have seen one of these wiley S.O.B’s and I am thoroughly disgusted. It promptly runs behind the couch. Of course, coward! I grab my flip flop and wait. And nothing. So I am thinking you know what Mister, my nephew plays in here, it is one thing to mess with me but hell no, you will not mess with my bear! So I sit in the armchair and wait. I sip my coffee and I bide my time. I even check email. Then, after a half hour or so, he reappears. Now, bear with me because what is about to follow is expletive laden and perhaps ridiculous to those of you who don’t have a bug phobia, but it is how the actual events unfolded. So I grab my flip flop and say out loud, “You've got this Mandy! You've got this! DO IT!!” And I smack that flip flop against the wall with lightening speed and all my might and he falls to the floor dead. WOO!!! HOOOO!! And I actually yell out loud (this is where my Mother may want to leave the room and earmuffs for the kids here) “Yeah motherfucker! Yeah! I got you motherfucker! Yes! I did it! Yes!”
Again, if you aren’t scared of bugs, if you don’t have this particular phobia you are probably thinking, “Get a life woman!” But for me it was a big deal. Hell I am still riding high on the fact that instead of running from the room I took control of the situation. Like I mentioned earlier, my inexplicable bug phobia isn’t really consistent with the whole independent woman thing I am trying to cultivate. So I’m not saying I have conquered this neurosis, however, I’m psyched I didn’t let my fear get the best of me. Is it pathetic that I am so exhilarated by my “accomplishment” and mentally high-fiving myself? Perhaps, but it made my day and I had to share. Small steps, right?
WOW! Good for you!! Next fear to conquer: feet.
Posted by: Missy | 09/16/2010 at 04:10 PM
Oh God, don't even get me started on the dreaded eyebrows! I'm still scarred from the night I watched one make its way across the ceiling until, apropos of nothing, it DROPPED. ONTO. MY BED. With me in it.
I still regret the ten years I took off my husband's life that night...
Great post!!
Mel Z
Posted by: Melanie Zobian | 09/17/2010 at 12:36 PM
I love it! You go Mandy! Go ahead and kill all the bugs you see inside the house.
Posted by: Robin | 09/21/2010 at 01:58 PM