So today while I was strolling with Terr-bear I forced myself to figure out what this unease is and what was causing it. I realized it is impatience. It's these hushed yet persistent thoughts in the back of my mind telling me things aren’t happening fast enough...I haven’t made real significant changes in my life...no matter how much work I put into myself, I can’t control the future...what’s different this time? You’ll just slip back into old habits again...you still have so much work ahead of you, you still have far to go. Ugh! Stinkin’ thinkin'!
How, I asked myself, after 10 some-odd years of inertia are things not happening fast enough?! How, after spending so much time with my head buried in the sand, am I now getting impatient, anxious for the new, the next, the greatest? And exactly what is the new and the next? I don’t really know. And perhaps that is what is most frightening to me. I mean, I know what I would LIKE the next to be. I want to have lost all of the weight I need to lose, I want to be fit and active, I want to have all the money I need for the Avon walk raised. And I want...well this is the difficult one to verbalize, I want the husband, the kids, the dogs, and the home. I want to entertain my family in my home at Christmas, I want to decorate a nursery, I want to train our two rambunctious but lovable labs, I want the controlled chaos, I want to be settled. Or at least feel settled. And right now I am the epitome of unsettled, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am literally unsettled, I have no home, no “real” job, no concrete answers, no guarantees. I have only my ambitions, my goals, my dreams. The whole of it is completely unsettling.
So why the anxiety and disquiet now? I’ve been at it for four months, and they have been some of the most rewarding and inspiring months I've had in a long time. I’ve been unhappy, if not unsettled, for years, why this low grade unease now? Maybe, just maybe turning 35 in 5 days is contributing to the unease. Perhaps while I have vowed to eliminate regret and to only look ahead, not back, maybe looking ahead is scary as well. I guess I want assurances, hard and fast truths and all I have are goals and dreams. I want a guarantee that if I do A, B, and C I will absolutely get to X, Y, and Z.
Most birthdays I’ve had over the last 12 years I have always silently wished to myself that it was either my 20th, 21st or 22nd birthday. I would wish that I could somehow go back, get a do-over, wake up younger and yet wiser. Well the good news is that I was thinking about my birthday this weekend and I realized for the first time in along time I do not wish to go back, I am excited for the future and looking forward to what life has in store for me. Then of course the doubts started to creep in. I went down the rabbit hole in my mind and without steadfast guarantees in place there left room for doubt and uncertainty...I turned 20 15 years ago. It doesn’t seem that long ago in some ways. I remember that year so vividly. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s been 15 years, I don’t feel like I’ve grown 15 years worth. Then I thought, how old will I be 15 years from now? Oh. My. God. FIFTY! In 15 years I will be FIFTY! 20 to 35 is the same distance as 35 to 50. It was this realization that made me want to have all the results, all the glory, all the pieces of the puzzle in place NOW. I felt like time was running out, I wasted my twenties, I needed to get a jump on the rest of my life. Now, I know what a therapist, priest, higher power, guidance counselor, shaman, (whatever!) would tell me, “So you’re telling me you’ve put in about four solid months of work and you now expect results? You are so not in it for the long haul.” The rest of their sage advice would be drowned out by their uproarious laughter at my clueless naivete.
I am in it for the long haul! I have no choice but to be in it for the long haul. What are my options, wake up at 50 scratching my head and wondering where the hell the last 15 years went? The prospect of that is beyond disillusioning to me. So I have to keep reminding myself that “the days are long but the years are short.” Stop trying to rush this. Stop trying to fast forward to the part where all the goals you’ve set for yourself have been achieved. Stop trying to predict the future or control the outcome. I can control how I treat my body, how I take care of myself, how I prepare for the future, how I create the sort of person I want to be, the type of life I want to live, the rest I have to leave in the hands of God. Instead of worrying about things that are beyond my control I should enjoy my days with Terr-bear, relish my long walks while I prepare for the Avon walk, savor the freedom of being childless for the moment and having the luxury of being able to focus so much of my time and attention on improving myself physically and mentally. And besides, once I achieve all the goals I've set for myself, I will just have to set new, bigger, and more outrageous goals. So I really just need to be cognizant of enjoying the journey. Because once I have lost the weight, have raised the money and walked the 39 miles, am no longer spending my days with my sweet Terr-bear and have kids of my own who are crying, while the dogs are behaving rambunctiously, the house is a mess, and I am trying to prepare Christmas dinner for 30 guests, I will think back to this time wistfully and say to myself, “Damn, that went by fast.”
good stuff!!
Posted by: Pooh | 09/14/2010 at 03:43 PM
Excellent post Doll! You are not the first person to feel this way, believe me! (20 to 35, 35 to 50...Dear God!!!!)
Pat yourself on the back for seeing things clearly & deciding that you are in charge of your happiness. You have reclaimed control of your destiny for 4 months now, you are winning your battle and you will continue to do so. You will have all that you want in this life, it's meant for you & you just have to follow your path to get it. xoxo
Posted by: Missy | 09/14/2010 at 04:09 PM
Amanda you are an amazing Gal with lots of ambition,and goals. Your dreams are so important!! Our dreams and desires keep us going. Continue being the wonderful person you are. Life will all fall into place.
Everyday for all of us is such a gift!
Happy Birthday Amanda.......(9/18)..I think of you as Sunshine
xoxo
Robin
Posted by: Robin Ward | 09/14/2010 at 05:45 PM
Love it! So good to have the Butterfly and the Bear back! I really missed it! and I lvoe the new look!
Posted by: Clarie | 09/14/2010 at 07:13 PM