The Bird and the Bear

Apparently it is quite difficult to write a blog with a bear on your back.  Last week my sister was in London on business so I was taking care of little Terr-bear during the day and doing double duty and helping my brother-in-law with him at night.  Add to that the fact that the bear decided that last week would be the week he wouldn't nap and the house seemed to be host to a constant stream of people coming and going, and well, I was burnt out.  All week in the back of my mind I was verbally berating myself for not blogging.  I would appease myself by vowing to hunker down in the evening and write before bed.  Then I would feed Terr-bear, play with him, and perhaps even bathe him and pretty much right after he was asleep I was not far behind.  I don't know how all the Mommy bloggers out there do it.  I was beyond fried and could barely string a coherent sentence together let alone write a blog post.

Then there was the fact that truly I didn't feel inspired last week.  I felt like I had nothing to say.  And this fact freaked me out.  Since I started blogging about 2 months ago, my fear of having a lack of ideas and inspiration has been nipping at my heels.  With each post I completed and felt confident was at least readable if not Pulitzer prize worthy, once I clicked publish I almost immediately felt a slight low grade panic and wondered to myself, "But what will you write tomorrow?!"  So as exhausted and time crunched as I was last week, I also was allowing myself to use the change in schedule and circumstances as a crutch and an excuse not to blog.  One night after the bear was asleep and I perused the gossip sights, the school marm in me reprimanded myself and said, "You could blog now.  Instead of reading this mental garbage about people you don't know, you could actually think for yourself, do something productive and BLOG!"  I pushed the thoughts aside and  jumped over to facebook, my most favorite of time sucks.  

Then there was the fact that I felt a little toxic last week.  My mother had commented the weekend before how she liked that I kept the blog positive, that even when I had started my no carb, no sugar diet I had described my foul mood as a case of the "mean reds" and kept it all constructive and avoided being negative.  Well, last week I didn't feel like being constructive or positive.  I was tired, and I was overwhelmed at times, and it seemed like everyone I encountered (besides my Terr-bear of course) was majorly pissing me off.  I felt like everyone simply wasn't GETTING IT.  Then I stopped and asked myself, "Could it be that I am the one not getting it?"  If everyone seems insane, maybe I am actually the crazy person?  I still haven't figured that out, I do know I may need to take a closer look at how I am relating to  others.  Perhaps I am demanding too much from people and have set my expectations too high.  Paging Dr. Freud.  I don't know.  I do know I had no desire to write anything and when I did try to force myself to mentally compose a post last week it was all venomous and exasperated thoughts.  Not a fun read.  And not exactly productive.  So, I let myself feel tired and allowed myself to tool aimlessly around the web until my eyes literally shut themselves each night.  I allowed myself to devote most of my time and energy to caring for and playing with Terr-bear while his mother was away.  I indulged my negative thoughts and promised myself come Monday, I would have turned it around and would have somehow stumbled upon a brilliant post in my minds reserves.  Hiding behind all the annoyance, snark and exhaustion would be a luminous, thoughtful, amusing, and engaging post.  Well, as the weekend wore on I started to panic.  My foul mood wasn't really lifting and even when it abated thanks to some enjoyable family time, a brilliant post didn't magically appear.  I was freaking out.

Then Sunday night a friend of mine who writes the For the Birds Blog and whose writing I have enjoyed for a long time emailed me and asked me if I would like to guest post on her blog this week.  I was beyond excited, and then had major trepidation.  I was a black hole of ideas.  I had no inspiration and earlier in the day had been mentally trying to talk myself into giving up the whole blogging business.  But I couldn't say no, I wanted to write a post for her, and more than that I REALLY didn't want it to suck.  I didn't want her to read it and think, "What is this crap?!  I am SO not posting this to my blog."  So I wrote about what was dominating my thoughts for the entire week, no not the fact that everyone was getting on my last nerve, the fact that I felt like I had nothing to write about.  It wasn't my best post and it certainly wasn't original, but it got me to write and it officially ended my 6 day slump.  And it got me back on my own blog.  Essentially a little birdie swooped in and without even realizing it got me to focus, swallow my fears, and write.  So while I know this is not my most hilarious, engaging, thought provoking, and engrossing blog post, it is a post.  I did it!  I faced the demons of inertia and fear and wrote SOMETHING.  Now I'm off to make that therapy appointment and to figure out if the lunatics really are running the asylum.  

Comments

[Missy]

I hear you girl. I am really needing an old school psychic reading. Probably not the healthiest or most sane way to think, but one can't always be totally level headed.
Miss you! xoxo

[Claire]

That was great..... the only thing that bothered me is you "encountered" me lat week. I am wondering if I pissed you off. Actually I am sure that I probably did LOL. That's whats sisters are for.

[Kat]

Your posts don't need to all be life changing reads... keep them true and about you and your journey. That's why we read... it's you. Pulitzer be damned!!! (This from the girl that has made it her mission to read all the Pulitzer books...)

[Robin]

Thank you for everything you did last week. My life is so much better/more fun/happier/more sane with you in it. Thank you for taking such good care of TerrBear. I would not be able to leave him if I didn't know he was in such good hands.
Love you and love your blog.

[Manda]

You don't have to thank me! I love spending my days with him and getting to see you too is the cherry on top! Love you! xoxo