My sisters and I are all very close and I feel very protective of them and vice versa. You don’t want to mess with a girl and her sisters. Anyone who ever did them wrong, gossiped about them, fake friends, boys who broke their hearts, I would immediately despise. It could prove to be tricky and uncomfortable for all involved when friendships would be mended or crushes rekindled and I would still hold on to my hostility. They may forgive and forget but a sister never does. It doesn’t matter if they are your younger or older sister, you simply want to protect them and wish only for their ultimate happiness. For this reason the years between when Robin started trying to get pregnant and Terr-bear being born were at times heartbreaking and harrowing.
Summer three years ago as we all sat beachside in Cape Cod one evening and huddled around the bonfire, Robin announced to the family that she was expecting. The joy that spread through our family was palpable, we squealed in delight, we cried tears of happiness and relief, we danced and hugged, this was the most wonderful of news. A few months later my sister Claire called me at work, Robin had lost the baby. I left work and drove the forty minutes to her house praying the hail Mary and begging God to give me the mettle to hold myself together for Robin. When I got to her house my other sisters Sheila and Claire and my niece were already there, we all hugged her and cried, our sisterly love acting as a salve on her wounds. Robin has always been focused, positive and proactive. In life she has never played the victim or allowed herself to wallow, this time was no different. She grieved but she kept focused on eating well, exercising and preparing her body. She once again became pregnant, and again miscarried before she even shared the news with the family. She kept her grief mostly to herself, her excuse always that she didn’t want to upset the rest of us. She sought out expert advice, underwent acupuncture, underwent numerous tests, and again focused on preparing her body for a healthy pregnancy.
One night several months later I took my nephew, Robin’s stepson, out to dinner while they attended a business dinner. When they came home I noticed Robin looked tired, however, that didn’t stop me from talking a mile a minute about all the “drama” in my life, work was crazy, I was BEYOND stressed, blah, blah, blah. Finally it dawned on me how quiet she was being, “So, how are you, you seem tired and quiet.” She teared up as she admitted that they were pregnant, however, an ultrasound had revealed an abrasion, the fetus and amnio sack were detaching from the wall of the womb. The doctor had offered Robin very little hope, the chances for survival of the fetus were slim in situations like this. She had begun spotting and that too was a bad sign. She was defeated and devastated. What could I say to her? How could I lessen the pain she was going though? I was her sister but I felt completely helpless to do anything for her. I was angry and inconsolable. I drove home that night struggling to see the road through tears. Why, God, why? Why would you deny someone so deserving and so kind who would be a wonderful mother this blessing? Why do drug addicts get pregnant? Why do underweight and careless celebrities get pregnant? But not my sister? Robin soldiered on, went to work the next day, kept it together. I wish I was as brave, I went into work, haggard from not sleeping the night before and broke into tears while putting stock out before the store opened. I left my colleagues all speechless and concerned and went home and crawled into bed. Robin continued to eat well, pray, and go to her Doctors, still the prognosis was not favorable. She carried this stress, this anxiety, this anguish with grace, told no one what was going on, continued to do her job, showed up for family functions. She came to Thanksgiving looking tired and told me quietly in the kitchen she had been spotting earlier in the day. No one else in the family knew this constant unease and fear she carried around with her. She and her husband endured people asking her if she was pregnant yet. Were they trying? Had she been tested, had she tried this Doctor or this treatment?
Then one day the prognosis flipped, suddenly they were cautiously optimistic. Her belly grew, she came to Christmas with a green scarf covering her middle and carried a glass of wine as a prop against curious eyes. Then around the new year she shared the news with the rest of the family, she told everyone with joy in her heart but advised us to remain cautiously optimistic, to pray, but to not get our hopes too high. Then it was Easter and she was glowing, her belly high and round, her hair long and thick, her eyes glowing, her skin radiant. We all talked amongst ourselves, “Look at her, she’s radiant! So healthy! The baby will be perfect!” we were talking ourselves down, we were scared, we were unsure, we wanted absolute truths, so we comforted each other and kept up the prayers. The 3d ultrasound revealed a beautiful little bird of a child, perfect looking in every way. That image hit my gut like a ton of bricks, I started to relax into the knowledge that this baby was healthy, when I prayed a calmness swept over me, this baby is healthy, this baby is healthy. It was our mantra. Her shower was upon us and finally we could truly celebrate her pregnancy and the impending arrival of this wonderful baby! Caution was thrown to the wind, we talked names, weight, gender, made plans, and looked to the future with excitement. The baby was due July 3rd, so I made sure I took the 3rd through the 5th off work. My sisters teased me, “That’s just the due date the baby may not arrive exactly on that date.” I replied, “If this baby is anything like it’s mother it will be here on the 3rd.”
July 2nd Robin called me at work, her doctor advised her to go to the hospital, the baby was too big, time to get it out. Suddenly it was upon us! All the apprehension, anxiety, hope, joy, and planning and it was finally happening! She went into the hospital, I left the city and took what felt like the longest train ride of my life to Connecticut, ran to my car and drove to the hospital. Everyone descended on the maternity ward of the hospital, the nurses grew weary of her sisters coming in and out of her room, her little niece running in and out, but we didn’t care! The baby was coming! THE BABY! We went home and slept that night dreaming of the baby, waking intermittently to wonder if she had given birth yet. While we slept and prayed Robin suffered through some painful bouts, things weren’t going as smoothly as they wanted, finally they insisted upon a C-section. We awoke in the morning to my mother calling to tell us Robin had given birth to a healthy baby boy! The first boy in our family and a wonderful blessing! He was born on his due date, July 3rd, almost 3 years to the date after Robin lost her first pregnancy. He has a onsie that says, “Mommy’s little hero.” When he wears it I think, “you have no idea little man, you are all of our hero.”
He is a beautiful, healthy, loving, sweet little boy whose feet never touch the ground because his 4 aunts just want to hug, cradle and kiss him. He gives hugs generously, laughs easily, smiles widely and gives big wet kisses. He has these big blue eyes that crinkle up and sparkle and look like his mothers when he smiles, his voice sounds like the sweetest song, and when he rests his head on your shoulder your heart melts. He is the most precious and wonderful gift and one that my sister deserved so completely. Happy Birthday Terr-bear and thank you for bringing light, levity and joy into our of our lives.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful story!
Posted by: Kat | 07/04/2010 at 12:53 PM
A really lovely post. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Michelle | 07/05/2010 at 12:21 PM