I remember saying to my sister Robin last year during a time when my job and life in general felt a little joyless, and I felt like I was sleep walking through life, that I sometimes wished I could take a break from being an adult. Her reply, “Oh I always wanted to be an adult. As a child I couldn’t wait to be in charge of my own destiny, make my own money and my own decisions.” This from the girl who at 10 had a combination locked money box full of wads of cash, a room more immaculately kept than most homes and her goal was to be a businesswoman with a large corner office with a gold phone. As in a solid, 14 karat (or higher) phone in which she imagined herself barking orders. I'm pretty sure she came out of the womb clutching a "to-do list" and shouting directions to the doctors and nurses. Yeah, so she kind of wasn’t understanding me. I actually didn’t necessarily even mean I wanted to go back to being a child, although that sense of wonder and pure joy we experience as children is fleeting and does not often occur after a certain age. That mix of anticipation, excitement and joy Christmas morning before you run downstairs to open all your presents, that feeling when you blew out your birthday candles and you KNEW if you just focused really hard your wish would come true, the feeling when you first rode a bike without training wheels. There is no way to get that euphoric and yet naive innocence back.
However, I really wasn’t interested in becoming a child again, I was more thinking about that in between time, that cushy middle place between 18-22 when you felt independent, but you still had that safety net beneath you. Those halcyon days of youth when we were defining ourselves, but our parents still ultimately carried the burden of providing for us. For many of us it was the first time we were away from home, away from the watchful eyes of our parents, out from under their rule, making our own decisions but still in the safe and rarefied surroundings of our dorm and college campus. I know not everyones experience was necessarily like this, that for some the burden of providing and fending for themselves came at a younger age. However, for me when I feel the pressure setting in and I am looking for the escape hatch, I often look back to that time in my life with rose colored glasses. It was so freeing to not be restricted with the encumbrance of car payments, rent, mortgages, and all the tediousness of “real life”. You could define yourself by totally and completely forming different beliefs than your parents, but you could also go home one weekend for a home cooked meal, some motherly love and coddling and sleep in your childhood bed again. We could indulge in hours of soul searching, stay up late into the night having conversations about who we were, where we were going and how we were going to live life. It was like free therapy for crying out loud! Now if you try and bore your friends with all this “Who am I? What am I doing with my life?” mumbo-jumbo they refer you to their therapist. It felt safe, cosseted and yet totally “grown up”. The possibilities were endless, it all stretched out before us.
The fact is, that time wasn’t as idyllic as I am remembering. For starters I was kind of a loser until I hit 20, and even then I was always pining after some guy who wouldn’t give me the time of day, I always wanted to move on to the next big thing and often felt I was missing out on life, I had a poor body image and I didn’t appreciate myself and my God given gifts. Hunh, well. Lessons I apparently still need to learn.
I suppose when I want to hit the off switch and slow down the ride I have to remind myself, enjoy it, because it doesn’t slow down and you don’t want off, you WANT to be on it. Yes, life can be stressful, but if you shut your eyes and cover your ears you miss the beautiful parts as well. So, here’s to learning to go along for the ride.
Hey Mandy. I was so psyched to see another post! Keep it up! I love reading it. And yes there are many times I wish we could go back. Just for a little while. Then we would realize that now is not that bad.
Posted by: Claire | 07/14/2010 at 04:38 PM
Yay!
Posted by: Jamajesty | 07/14/2010 at 04:46 PM
You are definitely right in that we have to enjoy the ride, but I do savor the memories of that time & wish I could relive them sometimes. Give me just one night, uno noche... I had issues then & I have issues now, jsut different ones.
I wonder if guys think this way, or is it just us girls who analyze, obsess & stress over these kind of things?
Posted by: Missy | 07/14/2010 at 04:55 PM
Great reflection, Mandy! Love reading the blog-keep 'em coming! What I've learned is that you can only move forward. You can't really ever go home again cause when you do you've changed and you are drawn to moving forward. I fear boys do reflect the same way girls do but they define themselves by what they do-not who they are. It's a process for all of us!!!
Posted by: claire carew | 07/15/2010 at 10:24 AM
We can sit up for hours pondering who we are this weekend, if you'd like =)
I think Robin and I are similar in our origins in organization and a desire to be responsible, but I also have moments when I wish things were a little easier.
The whole idea of the struggle making it more sweet in the end is a load of crap. I appreciated life and its unending magic well before the challenges and stuggles of adulthood, I didn't need the hard to appreciate the easy. Maybe it is different for others, I don't know.
Don't get me wrong, I love life and recognize that hard work does pay off, facing challeneges is a way to enhance your experience and knowledge, BUT there is nothing wrong with periodically longing for simpler times =)
Posted by: Michelle | 07/15/2010 at 11:15 AM
It keeps getting better - but I still think of myself as a "Toys R Us" kid :)
Posted by: Sheliaemc | 07/15/2010 at 12:17 PM
A, number one, you were never a loser and B, number 2 I realize I still do not have that damn gold phone!
Posted by: Robin | 07/21/2010 at 10:07 PM