Dirty Little Secret

As a single, childless woman in my thirties, clearly I’ve had to change my idea of what a "traditional" lifestyle is.  I always imagined, in fact assumed, I’d be married and have at least one child by now.  I was the kid who had her wedding planned by the age of 7, had her kids names picked out and knew, just knew that I would be married by at least 24, maybe I’d wait until 25.  In my early 20’s I changed my perception and was not in a rush to get married, even though almost all my friends surprisingly were married within a few years of graduating college.  I liked my independence, I wanted to meet someone who I felt like I could actually spend my life with and not settle, I enjoyed the possibilities ahead of me.  Here I am ten years later feeling a little bit shell shocked.  I sometimes feel like I was waiting at the bus stop along with everyone else, the bus came, everyone got on and I was too absorbed in my book and lo and behold, it left without me!

I just read a quote the other day that struck a chord with me,”The days are long but the years are short”.  Time just has a way of sneaking up on us.  And as my parents often remind me, it only gets more frenetic.  Remember when you were little the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  An eternity.  Now a whole season passes and I can’t remember where it went.  There was always time “down the road” to get married, to get in shape, to have children, to do all of the things on my list.  However in the last few years I've started to feel anxious, like daylight is wasting.  Since leaving my job and blogging my list that sense of anxiety has thankfully lessened now that I am making my goals a focus and a priority after putting them on the back burner for way too long.  As I wrote in a previous post I have finally let go of regret, regret over the time that’s passed and the things I haven’t accomplished.  However, recently I have realized I haven’t let go of self pity and envy, regrets nasty little friends.  When I hear someone is pregnant or just had a baby, my usual reaction is happiness for them.  However, recently when I see on facebook or hear through the grapevine that women I knew back in the day who were, how shall I say this, promiscuous, hard partiers, loose canons?  When I hear they are pregnant or have had a child I will admit it, I am jealous and slightly annoyed.  “She was a tramp/drunk/lunatic!”  I’ll think to myself.  "She’s someones Mother now and you STILL aren’t".  Nasty thoughts.  Stinkin’ thinkin’ as my sister would say.  I remember a few years back my friend Missy and I were at a Yankees game gossiping about a friend of ours who was a little wild and who we had lost touch with and Missy wondered if she had children yet and I, incredulous, said, “She was a total crazy whore, I don’t think so.”  To which Missy replied, “Well, whores can be Mom’s too.”  Looking back my naivete and Missy’s response to it makes me chuckle (and at the time it made me look at all my childhood friends mothers in a different light) however, she had a valid point.  Theoretically anyone can be a mother.  It hasn't happened for me yet, but is it really productive for me to feel envious and resentful about other people’s happiness? Of course I know it’s not productive, logically I can talk myself out of it, but truthfully, I am a little resentful and envious.  How can I reconcile the fact that I fancy myself a kind, generous person (or at least I am striving to be) and yet I feel bitterness at others good fortune?  

So, (SIGH), I have to work on this.  I am genuinely thrilled with the fact that I no longer allow myself to indulge in regretful thoughts or wallow in the the what-if’s, however, I can’t accommodate self pity and resentment  either.  It actually isn’t as hard to let go of regret as I thought it would be, especially when I am actively improving upon myself and pursuing things I am passionate about.  Now, self pity and envy, those two shameful bastards are not only difficult to admit to, but hard to shake as well. It felt good to let go of regret, it lifted off me and I let go of a huge weight I’d been carrying around for years.  Self-pity and envy feel like those friends you have that you know are a bad influence on you, but every once and a while it feels good to go down to their level and get a little dirty.  So, while letting go of these two emotions is not on my list, it is a focus and it is part of the process.  I had a lot of hesitation about even writing this post.  It’s not cute to be envious, self pity and jealousy aren’t pretty and they certainly aren’t characteristics I’d like to broadcast to everyone I know.  However, If you want to let in the good, you have to force out the bad. So envy and self pity I'm calling you out, you are no longer my dirty little secret, you get the hell out of here and go join that ratfink regret.  Ha!

Comments

[Michelle]

Our lives unfold so interestingly don't they? None of us knows when we'll find that person that we love and like equally that will bring us simple joy. None of us knows when and if we'll have kids or buy a home, etc. For some who follow a certain path it comes at certain times and ages, for others it is more unpredictable.
Your path has brought you to this point, and now here you are. You are living honestly and with your eyes open. When you can look at yourself and your life and really know what you want you can make it happen. You are making things happen.
Even the best of us have moments of jealousy and moments of living in the depths of despair, those moments don't define us unless we let them and that is not a trap that will snare you!
I think you hit on something in a previous post and also here, patience. You need patience in life with others but also with yourself. Patience and open eyes and a little bit of that Irish luck!
Happiness is now. We can all dream and look forward to things, but if you can look at this moment and feel the joy in it, you are blessed. I am rambling...
Bottom line, "whores can be moms too" is going to be my new tagline!

[Missy]

Ha! I seriously don't remember having that conversation, or even going to a Yankee game??!! That is so worrying how bad my memory is...what nutrients am I lacking?
Anyway, EVERYONE feels those feelings; self pity, jealousy & regret. Even when you are quite happy with your life. It's human nature.
Good on you for calling them out & taking on the fight against them. I am going to do that to. xoxo

[Sarah]

Missy told me once she imagined my future married to someone fabulously rich, living on the Riviera and childless aka Samantha Jones. I now live in the burbs, work 24/7 on a business and have 3 kids. Despite being happy, I sometimes fantasize about the posh parties going on in St. Tropez that I am missing and the hot pool boy that is not managing my pool.

"Even Whores Can Be Moms" should be a title of a book:)

[wil-e]

To keep my thoughts positive I try to pick a character from a movie or book that I like and respect and in those times of doubt or anger, think about what they would say or do. Mostly I just smile a lot to unnerve people who look for my negative reaction.

[Manda]

Love the idea of emulating a character from a move, I actually used to try and do that when I was younger, good advice, need to get back to that. THe smiling to unnerve is great too, unfortunately I wear all my emotions on my face, need to work on the poker face!