A Case Of The Mean Reds

I no longer have a case of the Mondays, I have a case of the “mean reds”.  I appropriated this term from my lovely friend Katie who emailed me some excellent advice on how to deal with negative thoughts and how to stop them from sabotaging your day:

“Each time I'm confronted with seeming stupidity or foolishness, I actively engage in creating a reasonable excuse for them. The woman cut me off because she just received a distressing message from her doctor on her voicemail and is extremely distracted or that young man in the mall who was cursing loudly with his group of friends and didn't notice nearby children must be trying with desperation to impress people because he doesn't feel proud of who he is.”

I love this approach.  It certainly seems more mature and kind than my current approach which is to string together as many curse words as possible in and let them spill rapid fire out of my mouth.   It is hard to empathize with others when we are lost in our own issues.  I am driving around feeling crazed and deprived because I haven’t had carbs or sugar for three days?  Seriously, get over it woman.  Who knows what the woman aimlessly walking her dog down the middle of the street is going through.  There is an old adage someone repeated to me recently and it resonated with me, I may be paraphrasing here but it essentially says that if you were to throw all your problems into the ocean along with everyone else in the world and pulled out the problems of another, you’d want yours back.  If we can imagine the rest of humanity feeling the pain we feel, feeling the emotions we feel, living life as we are, just trying to make it work and be a good person, then it is hard to hold onto anger, it is difficult to dislike them randomly.

Katie said that if she is still unable to shake the blues she will say in a sultry voice that she has “the mean reds” like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  It certainly sounds more ladylike and sexier than being pissed off.  And I think we all can agree case of the Mondays is beyond obnoxious.  So now I need to figure out why I still have a such a bad and lingering  case of the “mean reds”.  Sure, my body is detoxing, I am eating cleaner, so physiologically there are reasons for me to feel like this.  However, today I was totally flummoxed at one point, Terr-bear wouldn’t nap, I got some disappointing news via email that made me worried and sad for a friend, it was way too hot in the house and I realized I was mentally in the back of my mind checking off what we had in the kitchen to eat.  That is when I said to myself, “You can’t eat any of that, you are NOT eating that.”  And then I felt anxious. This low level of aniety followed me around for a few hours, at one point I simply wanted to cry for no discernible reason.  I needed to get rid of these emotions, I had this nagging feeling like I was forgetting something, or something wasn’t right, this general feeling of malaise.  I kept telling myself, it is because you are craving carbs and sugar, you are overly emotional and tired because your body is readjusting.  As the day worn on that became my mantra.  I realized that was only part of the issue and I was finally  forced to admit that today wasn’t even that stressful a day in the grand scheme of things and yet I wasn’t handling my emotions well, because I couldn’t use food as a way to manage my emotions.  I hate admitting that, it seems wretched to me that food can placate me and soothe my bad feelings.  It feels weak, pathetic and helpless.  I would much rather blame my feelings of discontent and anxiety on a physiological reason rather than acknowledge that I was struggling with not being able to use food to calm my nerves.  For some reason I always found it easier to say I was overweight because I love food, and I do, I am a total foodie, rather than admit that I was overweight because I needed food to calm and soothe me.  Somewhere along the line food became a crutch and a band-aid.  So while getting healthy and fit is all well and good and an excellent and positive journey to take in tackling my list, it isn’t as simple as becoming more active and eating well, I need to work through how I have managed stress in the past.  I need to work on my relationship with food.  Unlike an alcoholic, I can’t stop eating, I can’t avoid food and cut it out of my life.  I can, however, change how I perceive food and the place it has in my life.  I can still enjoy it, but view it as fuel to live, not a pacifier to calm and mollify me.  

 I feel so UNCOMFORTABLE admitting that food can and has been like a drug for me. I feel like in our society it is actually more acceptable to admit to having a substance abuse problem then to admit you use food to self medicate.  It’s not quiet glamorous or sexy to have “issues” with food.  Today I handled it by taking Terr-bear for a walk, and in the afternoon rewarded myself with a diet coke. (I know, I know, NUMBER FOUR! Quiting coke is also on my list to be given up, but seriously, I needed SOMETHING people!)   My journey is all about reinventing myself, and it can’t just be the outside it also has to be about reinventing the way I handle stress and deal with unpleasant emotions.  They way I have managed stress and anxiety  for the majority of my life has not served me well and isn’t advantageous to being healthy and well.  Learning to tackle negative thoughts, stress and anxiety in a more positive, effective and healthy manner will be a large part of the process.  For now I am proud of myself that I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me and I got outside and walked it off instead of feeding my stress.  And for the meantime while I am working through all these insane emotions I am going to try and at least make it feel more glamorous and less like an affliction and claim I have a bought of the “mean reds”.

Comments

[Michelle]

Like you, I have always and continue to use food in unhealthy ways. It is not easy to admit. It is not easy to master or change.
It is brave to say it outloud and brave to admit it to yourself and hold yourself accountable. Two nights ago I wrote this line in a daily journal I keep, "I am smarter than this, I need to eat better." Then I realized that it is not about being smarter it is about tending to my emotional health, which I neglect and avoid like the plague.

I admire you for putting it out there like this and I hope that this is the beginning of your new relationship with food.

I don't feel like I am there yet, getting there, but not there yet.

I too am a foodie and unwilling to give up anything at this point, but that is a topic for my own blog =)

There is a way to be a foodie, enjoy indulging now and then and still have a healthy relationship with food. If you find a magic key that figures it out, please share, but since this is the real world I will wish you luck on this very challenging facet of your journey!

Hugs!

[Christopher Lembke]

It sounds to me that you are making huge progress, very impressive! Keep up the good work! We're behind you all the way!

[Sarah]

Hurray for Mandy! To see and acknowledge the problem is the hardest thing. This I know personally (I won't be searching for the VIP room aka the kitchen hopefully ever again due to having 10 Apple Martinis:).

love the blog!

[Eileen]

WOW!,another great one. This really hits home,my detox diet,my youngest traveling,my body aching, I was feeling pretty creepy this week too. I was lost in myself. You express things so well that I can understand more clearly what I am feeling,sounds strange but true! I am on my way now to do something that always works for me and lifts my spirit.Something for somebody else!
We are with you and praying for you.You can do it.

[Claire]

Another nail on the head! You are amazing. It was great to see you and Terr Bear Today~ You are my idol!

[jen]

Wow Mandy, such openess. Such courage!

What I have come to realize over the years is that rewarding myself means eating something nutritious and good for my BODY and not my tongue. Punishing myself is eating crap I know is bad for my body even if it momentarily tastes good.

I have this body, God willing, long term and so I need to take the best care of it that I can.

It's like gas in my car. I don't put water in my tank because it's convenient or lemonade because it tastes good. The health of my car doesn't depend on what gas tastes like, neither does my health.

I'm worth eating healthy. I deserve to take a minute and think about my body before I eat. Nutrition affects my performance day to day so I'm going to figure out what works for me and stick with it.

I'm also not rewarding my kids when I give them candy or fast food. Its actually more like punishment filling them with garbage that is not good for them. Rewards should be things that are good for them. Somehow we got things backwards.

Keep going sweetheart. You're worth it!

[Christy]

Do you watch Ruby on Style network? This past season chronicled her struggle with recognizing and accepting herself as a food addict. Very interesting. They're reshowing a bunch of those episodes this summer. If you have not seen them, give them a shot. Some things she says drive me crazy (like hacky instead of happy) but overall, it's worthwhile.

[wil-e]

You have to replace that negative with a postive. When you start getting what I call the "angry beast" feeling i drink some water and wash my hands (makes me feel clean and in control) and then I try to do some kind of physical exercise, toe raises, those grip strengthener things- anything to relieve the tension. Nice job!