Sticks and Stones

The other day I reconnected with a friend from grammar school on Facebook.  I was thrilled to hear from her and even more thrilled when she wrote, “Was looking at your pics and didn’t even recognize you.”  THANK GOD.  Despite what my Mother would have you believe, I was not a cute kid.  Don’t get me wrong, I was an ADORABLE baby and toddler, but ages 10 to 20 were a little rough.  It wasn’t until I was in London and I discovered peroxide and lipgloss and realized that the whole flannel shirt grunge look wasn’t working for me that things started to turn around.  Having always been chubby with mousy hair and rocking my older sisters hand-me-downs, you can imagine I wasn’t exactly miss popularity.  Add to that the fact that despite all outward appearances to the contrary I fancied myself the next “big thing” and therefore would sing louder in chorus than everyone else and insisted on lip-syncing to Madonna any opportunity my teachers would let us perform for each other (thanks for reminding me Steph!).  Needless to say I was bullied a bit.  As a child I was never good at standing up for myself.  Every once in a while I would muster up all of my gumption and with wobbling knees and a shaky voice would try to stick it to my tormentors.  Like the time in 5th grade when two sixth grade boys where throwing rocks at me as I rode by bike hurriedly away from them, “Why do you sing so f*cking loud at chorus?!!!”  to which I responded into the wind, “My Mommy likes my voice!”  COME ON!  Seriously, I didn’t stand chance.  

As I got older, and especially when I entered college, I made a point of being more assertive, I wanted to leave that little bullied girl behind and start fresh.  I was also fortunate to have a wonderful, supportive and fun group of friends in college and because I was more confident I weeded out and actively avoided girls I found to be bitchy or catty.  Sometimes I took the whole independent woman thing too far and became a bit of a bully myself.  My friend Lynn loves candy corn, I mean LOVES.  Senior year in the cafeteria there was a huge vat of corns, you had to guess the amount of corns in the vat and the person closest would win the corns.  I deliberated over the amount and confidently entered my guess.  I could not wait to triumphantly present this huge tub o’ corns to Lynn.  A few days later my friend MIssy and I were sitting eating dinner when the womens field hockey team walks in and they start eating the corns!  I was incensed!  They were not only sullying the corns with their filthy hockey hands, they were ruining my odds!  I was beside myself so Missy says, “That’s messed up, you should just go take them.”  What?  Take the corns? “Yeah, take them and give them to Lynn.”  Genius idea!  So I marched up to the front of the cafeteria, pushed through the sea of field hockey girls, lifted up the vat of corns and turned and walked out.  Most of them just stared at me like I was crazy, but one vociferous young lady yelled several expletives at my back and demanded I bring back the candy corns as I  scurried out the front door.  I got in my car and drove to Lynn’s apartment and victoriously presented her with the corns.  Needless to say she was elated.  I went home, confident justice had been served, only to get a late night message from the dean of students telling me that if the candy corn wasn’t returned the next morning I may not get to walk with my class at graduation.  Uh oh.  Suffice it to say I hightailed the corns back to the cafeteria the next morning (side-note, Lynn is 100 pounds soaking wet and when I went to pick up the corns I would say at least half were gone.  How?  How does a little girl eat so many corns?!!).  When I did my walk of shame up to the front counter, coincidentally hockey girl was there, giving me the stink eye the whole time.  So, I walked out with my head held high, but I didn’t forget.  Fast forward to a few nights later, my friends and I are feeling hungry after a night of merry drinking, as we walk out to the the parking lot to go get some late night snacks, we pass hockey girls door.  Being the mature 21 year old I was I slur to my friends, “This’s the beyatch that called the campusss copsss on me! (Hiccup)!” and kick her door to show what a toughie I am.  Except whether it’s because I am drunk and have beer muscles or be it my 6 inch platform shoes, instead of kicking her door as I intended I actually kick IN her door!  I am standing there stunned and hockey girl pops up from her bed and we just stare at each other for a moment before I book it out of the front of the dorm, only to crack my huge heel in half and bite it on the concrete.  Clearly I had taken the whole assertive thing a bit too far. I blame it (and the shoes) partially on the fact that the Spice girls were HUGE at this point and all that “girl power” had gone to my head.  It was one thing to assert oneself and quite another to be a bully.  

 As an adult I still fluctuate between being assertive and being meek.  Some of my friends would probably describe me as strong minded while others would say they know I struggle with speaking my mind and standing up for myself.  I have a natural tendency to be shy, especially around the opposite sex where I tend to suppress the “real” me.  I tell myself goofy is not cute, guys don’t like funny girls, don’t talk too much, lower your voice, which can then at times make me seem not only boring but socially awkward.  And as I mentioned in a previous post, I have struggled at work with fighting for what I know I am worth, getting raises, getting recognition.  I am not comfortable championing myself.  So number 9 on my list is standing up for myself. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before, I just have to consistently be my own advocate.  Part of conquering number 9 on my list is also putting myself first, realizing I deserve to create the best life for myself.  I am entitled to feel good about myself, to be healthy. I can run a 5K, I will lose weight,  people are interested in what I have to say.  I deserve good things in life. This is my list and I'm making it happen!

Comments

[Missy]

Don't give up until your satisfied.

I still think that the fact that our college was having a candy corn counting contest, something an elementary school would do, says it all. That pot needed a good stirring & you tried to do it! So, I say bravo to you! I def would have left that place if I didn't become friends with you.

[Michelle]

I think I am obsessed with you and this blog. =)

You have inspired me to write even more on mine. Crazy how similarly you and I think about certain things.

I just snarfed reading about the corns! I hope Lynn is reading, because she will crack up too!
And what do you mean, the Spice Girls WERE huge? Aren't they still, or is that just on my iPod?

[stephanie]

Mandy...GREAT blog....and im glad i made an appearance in it! I was oh so shy doing that Madonna thing with you. You were singing and moving around. I think i just stood there and looked stupid! I had a rough time in school too. I wasnt the cutest kid whatsoever and got teased quite a bit. so I "get it".

By the way..you have inspired me to make a list. Thanks so much!

[Eileen McCorry]

Todays Blog makes me want to find a few grown-up children and......tell them "I know your Mother"! Thank you for this Blog. It has got to be hard to write. It is a beautiful sharing but also a humorous escape.I have laughed more over this than anything I can recall. Please keep it coming.

[Claire]

Ok that was hilarious. It took me a while to read the whole thing since I had to stop and clean up the ice tea that I snarfed all over the place from laughing! (Note to self no beverages while reading your blog!) I know you are my sister and people expect me to say you are good (but keep in mind I never do anything I am expected to do.) You are truely gifted! One thing though please change your list from 5, to 7 to 10 Blog posts a week. I am addicted Love you.

[wil-e]

You should have put candy corn in that biatches gas tank:)