Last week when I was having lunch with my sisters one of them said they still didn’t feel like an adult and wondered when and how that feeling ever really set in. I remember in my early 20’s thinking to myself, “Now I’m an adult, this is what it means to be a grown up.” or thinking that I was surely and adult when I got my first car, my first promotion, when I moved into Manhattan, but it always felt as if I was playing dress up. Like this is what adults do, rightt? I wondered if I didn’t necessarily feel like an adult because I hand’t passed the milestones of marriage or Motherhood, would they make me finally feel like an adult? Or does one never actually "feel" like an adult, do we all feel like we are just bumbling through life? Nostalgic for the past while we stress about the future and too distracted to enjoy the present?
I remember in The Hours Clarrisa Vaughn says something in regards to her youth that always resonated with me, she says, “I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment.” In my early twenties I remember having days like that, coming home at dawn after a magical evening out and thinking, “This is just the beginning, things will only get better from here.” I didn’t realize that life ebbed and flowed, it wasn’t just a constant climb up to the top. I’ve been blessed in my life to have wonderful family and friends and not, in the grand scheme of things, much difficulty and strife. However, I don’t think my young self really envisioned I would be where I am today. I assumed things would just get bigger and better, my life would expand and moments of pure elation would hit me like a gust of wind out of nowhere. I didn’t realize they are precious few and far between these lovely gales of happiness, they are to be savored and then remembered.
Now that I spend my days with Terr-bear I actually want to one day be a mother more than ever. However, I am also more scared of motherhood than I was when I was younger. Perhaps our parents really did have it all figured out, they were too young and naive to realize what they were getting themselves into, married at 21, first child before 22, four kids by 30, and finally five before 40. My sisters and I will often ask each other, “how did they do it?”. When my mother was my age she had four children, I can’t keep an orchid alive. If how I feel for my niece and nephews is only a fraction of what I will feel as a mother, well, I am in trouble. You just want to protect them. Protect them from danger, real and perceived, and all the fear, doubt, anxiety and insecurity that can come with growing up. I want to preserve the wonder and pure joy I see on Terr-bears little face when I magically turn on the overhead light, then off. Oh! And then it’s on again!! Oh! Now it’s off again! Such simple yet pure bliss, is it even possible for us as adults to feel that way? When our mind has a habit of slowly creeping off and remembering the bill we forgot to pay, the call we neglected to make, work left unfinished, when suddenly the moment is gone and the anxiety once again settles back in.
Perhaps a sure sign that I have indeed grown up (besides the constant low level anxiety) is the fact that my parents are no longer insane. When I was in my teens they were clinically insane, during my college years they were not only certifiable but don’t even get me started on their political and religious views, crazy! However, at some point in my early thirties, they not only seemed to become less insane, but, dare I say, I related to them. I actually share similar points of view to them, I identify with them and, believe it or not, have fun with them! One day it all made sense; they were kids, they were figuring it all out as they went along too, they did their best and they loved us. As cliched as it is, there is no manual for this. If you had told my 20 year old self that not only would I enjoy hanging out with my mother, but, we would in fact end up a lot alike, I wouldn’t have believed you, you crazy person! Despite the fact that when I let her drive she does 40mph on the highway and 90mph once we hit the exit, I do enjoy her company.
Is finally being able to relate to my parents once and for all ushered me into adulthood? Or is it that I have finally let go of regret? Regret ate up 10 years of my life, it took me from 24 to 34 and left me scratching my head and asking myself, “What the hell happened?”. It got me nowhere, it simultaneously made me nostalgic for the past, scared for the future, and immobilized me in the present. What is so insidious about regret is that it breeds with itself, regret begets more regret. Once you’re living with regret you are not moving forward, you are not living in the present, you are dreaming of the past. I let regret over real or imagined missed opportunities and the supposed loss of my youth eat away 10 years of my life. Notice there is no regret on my list. There is no room for it. I don’t have time for regret when I am playing with Terr-bear, there is no room for regret when you are planning your future, regret doesn’t like positive action. But regret, he is a crafty bastard, he will try to get his foot back in the door, kind of like this weekend when I realized I was turning 35 in four months. I felt those old familiar feelings, regret and his cohorts self-doubt and fear. I thought, "I'm almost 35 and I haven't done anything, I have nothing to show for it! I don't even feel like an adult and yet I'm getting old!" Then I remembered the list, I reminded myself I am in fact an adult and I am no longer wasting my time with regret. So me and the list we kicked that S.O.B outta here. Sorry regret, I’m a big girl now, I don’t need you skulking about anymore.
Awesome post! So excited to see that you are blogging!
Posted by: Forthebirdsblog | 05/24/2010 at 08:02 PM
Amazing! I needed to read that!
Posted by: Claire | 05/24/2010 at 10:08 PM
Mandy, this post almost made me cry. I know this is a subject we have discussed so many times, but your words perfectly communicate those feelings that not only you & I, but so many people share. The fear of growing old & not reaching our greatest expectations for ourselves. That has got to be my biggest fear too. The anxiety that accompanies a day / week / month / year that passes without any sort of big accomplishment. We are all in this together & I am so glad that in this modern age, blogging & Facebook have created a virtual support network.
Miss you! xoxo
p.s. I love that quote. how I wish I had heard that & understood it as a young girl. (wait a minute, no regrets, right! Scratch that!) It's a beautiful quote though. I found this quote that makes me feel somewhat better when thinking back on fun times & flogging myself for not savoring them more: "Happiness isn't something you experience, but something you remember"
p.p.s but, Seriously! How did we get to be 35!!! Damn!
Posted by: Missy | 05/25/2010 at 03:26 AM
Beautiful entry and good mantra for me to carry forward. Love your blog. The last Candace Bushnell has not been born...
Posted by: Sarah | 05/25/2010 at 12:40 PM
Really loved your blog today.....35 is still very young, Mandy. Don't make yourself crazy over a number. It's only a number-a marker means very little unless you empower it . Your writing talent is evident-can't wait to read more. Thanks for being you!!!!
Posted by: claire carew | 05/26/2010 at 10:57 AM
Cool post. A few things, old is only in the body- and if you don't achieve your goals you can always lie to the next generation, they have no idea that you weren't a fighter pilot, won the lottery, had famous friends etc:) as you alluded to, the winners in life are the people that don't quit.
Posted by: wil-e | 09/03/2010 at 08:48 AM