Flying Under the Radar

This morning when I was driving my sister to the train she said she’d love to read Terr-Bear's blog, his view of life spending his days with me.  I have a feeling the title of his blog would be The Bear and the Blabbermouth.  I have always been a major talker, but stick me with a 10 month old all day and I become even more loquacious.  Is it bad when a baby grunts at you and holds his little hand up to silence you?  I’ve had this happen to me.  At least once a day.  His poor little ears.

Blame it on being the fourth child in a family of five girls.  You try getting a word in edgewise!  It was like trying to merge into traffic flying at 120 miles per hour, you had to be fast and concise or you would bite the dust.  At dinner I would sit with my tongue pressed against my front teeth, having already in my head rehearsed my story several times, I would wait for the briefest of pauses and spit out my news rapid fire, “My-chorus-teacher-gave-me-a-solo-to-sing-at-assembly” BOOM!  Wait for the accolades and your parents awe before they move on to the next.  We all had our ways of functioning within the family dynamic created by so many girls.  My younger sister tended to be rambunctious and would demand your attention through various outrageous hijinks, my older sister always made good grades, we had our rebels, our wise-asses, I ended up becoming known as the one who flew under the radar.  When it was time for bed I would tiptoe up to my sisters room to play dollhouse, at 11:00 when my parents would retire to bed they’d ask each other, “I thought you put Mandy to bed?!”  This technique, at times, served me well in a large family. Like when I received a grant from a college and instead of bragging about it to my family, I let it them hear it when it was announced at my high school graduation. Or when I lost over 50 pounds while studying in London, instead of telling them about my weight loss over the course of the many phone conversations, emails or postcards we exchanged, I waited for them to see me emerge from customs at JFK.  I liked the sneak attack, and if I didn’t verbalize my desires and intentions then no one could disagree or naysay.  And if I didn’t achieve my goals, well , then I was the only one I was really disappointed.  And finally, truth be told, whether it’s because I’m Irish, Catholic, or both, I simply am not comfortable with self-promotion.  I never felt at ease saying, “I want this and I intend to get it.” or “Look at me, aren’t I amazing”  Flying under the radar had served me well in a large family and worked as a way of getting a reaction out of my family, however, at a certain point, flying under the radar is no longer advantageous.

For instance in a job, working hard and keeping your head down doesn’t always work, especially in this day and age when many people are more savvy at promoting their accomplishments then they actually are at accomplishing anything.  I worked with people who while not as hard working or as productive as I was would receive more praise and attention due to the fact that they talked the talk and got themselves noticed.  I was the “reliable” one, I struggled with asking for raises, demanding equal face time, and often seethed internally while others who I felt were less deserving were  recognized.

It also isn’t necessarily healthy in adult relationships.  Keeping your cards close often keeps people at arms length.  If you don’t express your desires and wishes you can’t fault someone else for not being able to decipher them.  This business of not letting anyone else know what I wanted so that I was the only one who was disappointed left me feeling very, well,  disappointed at times.  It is scary to voice your aspirations, because then people will see you stumble and perhaps struggle in your journey to achieve them.  And what if you never achieve them?  Horror!!  But not really, right?  Because if I am able to step outside myself and my insecurities, I can honestly say I’ve never looked at someone who is attempting to achieve a goal whether it be running a marathon, weight loss, starting a business, whatever it may be and thought, “wow, what a chump!”  Even if they don’t achieve their specific goals, they’ve enriched themselves somehow and opened up their lives to new possibilities.  As cliched as it sounds it really is about the journey, nothing ventured, nothing gained!  So what if you never cross the finish line, you still came a long way from the start! 

So, this blog is part of me getting back on the radar.  I’m putting it out there people!  I am working on myself and instead of keeping it to myself I am shouting it into cyberspace.  I feel as if I am standing naked in front of the class, I feel out of my comfort zone, but comfort is the handmaiden of complacency.  So I am flying high (corny, but come on, I had to stick with the whole under the radar schtick) and I am enjoying the ride!  My assignment for the weekend is make my list.  THE LIST.  What I want to accomplish in the next year, from the big to the small, from drinking more water to finding my passion.  This is the start line, there may not be a finish line but I’ll enjoy the journey. 

Comments

[Missy]

I am so happy to hear you write this! There's no turning back now & why would you want to! It's time you understand what everyone else has always seen in you, how fantastic, funny & truly special you are. Everything you could ever want is all there waiting for you, you just need to go get it xoxo

[Michelle]

Read mightygirl.com. She is our age and fantastic. I have linked to her at various times. She was the inspiration for me to start the life list blog.

You have never been under the radar in your group of friends, but this post makes so much sense. It really does set up your origins very well.

[Claire]

Mandy. This is amazing! Who new you had such a gift for writing! I love it please keep it up. BUT if you mention me in any in this it better only be in the bestest light?! Clear? And as far as the fourth child in a family of four girls"? Who did we drop? Jamie or Shelia? I know it was not Robin (never happen) and surely I am far to amusing to be dropped.

[Christopher Lembke]

Can't wait for more material, it's like reading a book you can't put down, you just have to wait for the next chapter to be written. Very witty and insightful as I would have expected. Congratulations to you on finally getting this off the ground that I remember you and Missy talking about 10 years ago. When's "The Art of Loafing" coming out?

[Eileen]

I agree with Christopher! Please keep it coming. It gets better and better